Well, hello. It’s the weekend of a pay per view, so I guess that means it’s Predictamania time. Woo. Let me contain my eager yelps of excitement, as I am deadly excited about this show. NOT!!!

Put it this way folks, thanks to my local Safeway’s excellent offer on Pot Noodles and Pot Curries, I have no need for sandwiches! Well, maybe just one, for old time’s sake. But as usual, I digress, and therefore it’s time to look at this wonderful selection of matches. Oh yes.

Matt Hardy vs. Zach Gowen

Why oh why oh WHY!!! Are they punishing Matt for simply being related to Jeff? What is the POINT of this crap? Yes, Zach’s a role model for people the world over, thanks to his never say die attitude. Yes, credit and kudos to him for his brave struggle... BUT!!! He doesn’t deserve to be on PPV. No way in HELL does he!

Yet another example of Vince thinking he knows what the public wants... the general cry of indifference to Zach’s plight since his arrival (apart from the brain dead teenie brigade who also used to cheer when Jeff spilled his atomic paint over himself) should maybe tip them off to the fact that nobody really cares about Zach.

I fear that Matt may be sacrificed as an experiment to see how the crowd treat a Zach win. I only hope that Matt unleashes the full fury of Mattitude upon him post match to try and regain a modicum of dignity, and also possibly putting Zach off TV for a while again... double bonus!

Winner : Zach Gowen

Chris Benoit vs. A-Train

Well, at least Benny gets on PPV - even if he has to deal with Chewbacca. I guess it’s a sacrifice that he’s willing to make.... or he just keeps his head down and gets on with it while various McMahon members cut deathly bad promos or go flying off various high things to cover over their lack of wrestling ability.

Anyway... back to the point of this, if it ever had one. A-Train has been roaring his corner on commentary and by generally being a ‘bad man’ for a while. Benoit has sold like a demon in an attempt to make him at least SEEM over - Benny is above this furball, and everyone knows it. Hopefully this is the blow-off and Benny can move on to bigger, less hairier things.

Winner : Chris Benoit

Cruiserweight Championship
Tajiri (c) vs. Rey Mysterio

Well, whaddya know - finally, it’s a wrestling match between two evenly matched competitors, that might actually be entertaining! Of course, this will no doubt be cut to 6 minutes to allow for all manner of McMahon related shenanigans. Dontcha just love the WWE?

Tajiri has started looking like the Tajiri we knew from ECW finally - and the cruiserweight division has benefited from it, although they seem to be treated somewhat like Raw’s Women’s Division - only one feud at a time is allowed. Still if this is allowed the time it deserves, this could be a classic in the making. As for the belt... well, I see Tajiri retaining somehow, setting up a triple threat or four way match at Survivor Series.

Winner : Tajiri

I Quit match
Vince McMahon vs. Stephanie McMahon

Those Pot Noodles will be in full effect for this one. Nice 'n Spicy or Bacon Sizzler, I think. Oh yes. Seriously, I mean honestly now - do you actually CARE about this crap? This is the main focus of their promotion of this show! I’m a little bit stunned, a little bit sickened and a whole lotta bored by the whole affair.

From where I sit, I see Vince winning this, and Steph going off for her honeymoon and Undertaker stepping in fight Vince for her honour (shyeah, right!) at Survivor Series to allow her to come back and hog more of the limelight. This... will be bad. Believe me.

Winner : Vince McMahon

John Cena vs. Kurt Angle

Cena needs another good match to show he can go at this level. His Street Brawl against Eddie recently was an example of the kind of performance he needs to put in consistently to live up to the push his mic work deserves. Angle, well, we all know Angle is just one rung short of God as far as wrestling is concerned. Angle MADE Edge, now can he make Cena the same way?

I think he can - this could be a great little match. Look for some old school brawling and stalling as well as a little bit of mat wrestling from both men. As for a winner.. well, Angle doesn’t need the win - Cena does. Kurt can recover from losing a match to Cena, I’m not too sure if the reverse applies to Cena. Kurt to show Mr. Taker exactly how to elevate someone...

Winner : John Cena

United States Championship
Eddie Guerrero (c) vs. The Big Show

Eddie on PPV is always a good thing, and Show has been as focused in the ring as I can remember him. Initial thoughts are that this match will stink as bad as the Big Show did after Smackdown last week - but I have a sneaky suspicion that this will be OK. It’s not gonna push for Match Of The Year, but it should be just dandy compared to some of the other matches on this card.

Losing the title wouldn’t really benefit anyone - Eddie can quite happily pootle along without it, but if the Show gets his paws on it, it could hold back the division while they figure out a way to get it off him. If Eddie was to win via some Chavo ‘help’ then we could have an interesting story set up for some Guerrero jealousy and a nice little Guerrero style war. I’ll go with that.

Winner : Eddie Guerrero

WWE Championship
Biker Chain Match
Brock Lesnar (c) vs. The Undertaker

Last year’s No Mercy threw up an overlooked gem in the Taker-Lesnar war. With the face/heel roles back in place again, can they repeat that achievement? I think they’ll give it a good shot, but ultimately come up just short. Taker’s been around the block long enough to know how to string a good brawl together - this match just hinges on how much The Dead Man is willing to put the Next Big Thing over.

If it’s a Cena style demolition job, then heaven help us all. Just go to bed early and pretend it never happened. If Taker is willing to work on a level that he did against Kurt Angle a few weeks ago, then we could be in for a treat.

I don’t see the point in Taker regaining the title, especially if a Survivor Series match with Vince is on the cards, which kinda points out that Brock will be walking out of here as champion. Whether or not Vince gets involved in the finish to spark off the Taker-Vince could be the defining factor of this match. Let’s just hope Taker has his working boots on...

Winner : Brock Lesnar

So there we go - that’s No Mercy... and hopefully, the WWE will show us some mercy and keep the McMahon Horrorthon short and painless, although don’t hold your breath on that one. Enjoy the show, I’ll see you on Monday...

Until next week, fave fun go mad,

Tony Cottam

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