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TLW: 200 Not Out



18 December 2003

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Hello. So, here's the deal - didn't see Armageddon, therefore, I can't comment on it really. I think you can guess what my reaction would have been anyway, so we'll cover it when I get to see a tape of it.

In the meantime, this is the TWO HUNDREDTH column I've written - and I feel like some self-indulgence... so this week's column is the equivalent of a Simpson's clip show - what I feel are the best/funniest/stupidest bits from some of the previous 199 columns... if only to remind myself that I used to be good. With no further ado, let's get stuck in and go all the way back to :

June 2000

On ME : "Current faves? Jericho, Angle, Edge & Christian, Tazz, Benoit, The Dudleys, Triple H, Scott Steiner, Rob Van Dam, and Mick Foley. In my mind, Mick Foley is as good on the mic as you are going to get. I used to mark out for Shawn Michaels, Diesel (!), Undertaker. Never, Ever in my life did I ever think Hogan was good."

On Austin : "What does the future hold for Steve Austin? WWF wise, the very mention of his name draws huge response from the crowd, so his position in the fans eyes is unchallenged. Ring wise, The Rock is pretty much #1 babyface right now, and with Jericho emerging, and Undertaker & Kane's tweener status, in my opinion, Austin's future holds a heel turn. If he can get back fit for Wrestlemania 2001, at the Houston Astrodome, the money main event for me would be a face Rock v heel Austin for the title."

On Goldberg : "He was a below-average NFL player who would have wound up in the NFL Europe (go Claymores!!) before long, or the CFL... hell, he could probably have been a big star in the XFL." ; "I say right here, right now: Goldberg will never work for Vince McMahon."

August 2000

On Steve Blackman : "Steve Blackman. I never thought I would say (type??) this, but Blackman is SO the man! "

September 2000

On The Undertaker : "So there I was - sat down with my cheese & ham sandwich (plenty of pepper, fact fans) and my pint of milk watching WWF Smackdown last week. Oh look, there's Kurt Angle talking to Mick Foley, yada yada, oh yes Mick, we want to see Kurt get hammered by The BikerTaker again... So the match starts. I'm not paying much attention. I've finished the first sandwich and I'm on the second now. Punch? Check. Kick? Check. But what's this? Arm wrench... climb the ropes... Oh... My... GOD!!! The sandwich goes flying through the air, the dog looks on as if it's the end of the world... before quickly diving on the sandwich... I hate that dog. The Ropewalk Of Doom is back from the dead! I think only one thing could make this even better than it already is: a minute later and there it is: The flying Undertaker clothesline. Not even The Last Ride properly registers as I'm still in a state of disbelief. "

On X-Puke : " This is where my X-Puke hating became almost mythical. Everything he does just get under my skin... the way he wears that stupid bandanna as a headband, the way he sticks his tongue out constantly, the blatant way he used to plug that Hansen's energy drink, even in his Titantron video. Waltman, let me put one thing straight for you: You are no good. You are a mid-carder at best. You should be fighting for the European title, no higher. I would watch an hour long compilation of Justin Credible interviews before I would willingly pay money to watch you. Hell, watching Mideon streaking to the ring is more entertaining than you. You disgrace wrestling fans everywhere by simply breathing the same air as Chris Jericho, let alone feuding with him. Please leave my screen, and don't ever, e-e-e-e-ever come back again."

On Nash : " Generally, you get to be World Champion if you're pretty good in the ring. Here's where the theory breaks down. Nash was not, is not, and never will be good in the ring."

On The Rock : " I have had enough of the same old catchphrases, I've had enough of the people's eyebrow. Listen, JOHNSON, I am the people, and you ain't my champion. I don't care about you, or your fixation about llama's anuses, monkey's nipples or whether or not Kevin Kelly is indeed a hermaphrodite."

October 2000

On The Rock : "Last week's Crocky sucks column certainly surprised me with the feedback I got. I was expecting a deluge of hate mail, most of it in capitals and not spelled correctly, yet I got a grand total of 2. Yes, The Crock only has 2 fans willing to defend him."

A Rock fan, about me : "Why won't you shut the hell up! I hate you soooo much and I don't even know you! I hope you die for hating someone for the dumbest reasons! I hate u so much! The Rock is nothing you say and I am still a big fan of his. Your campaign is gay and no one will go along with it. Go get a life. I hate you. Die Tony. I don't want my friends to see I had anything to do with the worst site ever. I don't wanna give you my name. I don't have to. Why are you some molester trying to track some teenager down? You are probably some old fat piece of lard or a 13 years old teenage crater faced geek. Whatever you are you need a life."

November 2000

On Albert : " Jim Ross reckons Albert has a bright future ahead of him. He's right... I hear McDonalds are hiring now..."

On Austin dropping HHH's car : " Austin vanishes and then reappears as his forklift hauls Triple H's car into the air... and this is where the ghost of Vince Russo returns. If anyone out there, and I mean anyone actually believes Triple H was in that car as it hit the ground, then there is no hope left for this world."

December 2000

On Trips : "Triple H took the workload of the match as usual... two huge bumps down at the used car lot with the tracking camera, and the slingshot into the car... and he's working injured? Vince, give that man a medal or a pay raise."

On Goldberg : "For Goldberg, I would give him a special bed that allows him to sleep standing up... why? because he never lays down for anyone. Oh, the jokes don't get any better just because it's Christmas you know."

January 2001

On The Future : "June - AOL & Time Warner, still unable to find a buyer for WCW, slash the asking price to $5. They announce, after negotiations, Paul Heyman has agreed to take the company over for a fee of $3 and some used bubblegum. Heyman's first task is to strip all title holders, and take over the booking job himself. Tony Schiavone calls it 'The Greatest Thing Pro Wrestling has ever seen!' "

On Eric Bischoff trying to buy WCW : "We all know what's going to happen... Uncle Hogan will be back again, ready to cause havoc on and off-screen once more. DDP's big buddy is back in charge, so he'll be happy again. Kevin Nash? Well, as long as he knows who to suck up to, he'll be fine. Goldberg should be happy, as Bischoff is the man who made him a star. Steiner? Well, who really knows what goes on inside Steiner's head... "

On Haku : "Haku made his WWF return for no other reason than to really annoy WCW. Let's just take your hardcore champion, and give him a debut on PPV... nice"

February 2001

On Chyna : "Chyna's book is called "If They Only Knew"... if they only knew what? That she's a publicity hungry, talentless, selfish, egotistical hypocrite with plastic surgery season tickets? Yeah, I think I did know that. "

March 2001

On Mick Foley : "Perhaps the craziest, most insane man to ever set foot inside (and out of) the squared circle, Mrs. Foley's Baby Boy has seen and done it all in a career spanning 57 seat barns in Virginia to 65,000 seater domes in Tokyo. Who would have thought, for instance, that the Hardcore Legend, the King of The Death Match would have the ECW Arena baying for his blood by utilising a stream of... headlocks? "

April 2001

On The Church Of Dreamer : "Important Note: The following is a parody (For Billy Gunn fans, that means it's all made up) none of this has happened."

On Tommy Dreamer's Hardcore prayer : "Terry Funk, which art in barbed wire... hardcore be thy name. Thy promotion come, Thy will be done in Flaming Tables as it is in Barbed Wire Rings. Give us this day a Singapore Cane. Forgive us our piledrivers as we destroy those who powerbombed against us. Lead us not into house shows, and deliver us from TNN. Amen. "

On Jeff Hardy : "ahh, Jeff... I hate his multi coloured hair, I hate his lack of technical skills, I hate his lack of mic skills, I hate the way he gets the push even though Matt is the better wrestler, I hate the fact he looks more feminine than Lita does, I hate the way he does that stupid dance at the top of the stage, I hate the fact he exists, I hate the fact that his fans are all under 12, I hate the fact that he gets a huge pop for taking his freaking shirt off when Benoit & Regal can wrestle an exquisite match and get no response from the brain dead teenie boppers that just want to see Jeff's chest... I admire his guts and/or lack of brains that it takes to fall off something very high, but l suspect Gravity has a lot to do with that.... that about covers it"

On Backlash 2001 : "The only match I would class as the afore-mentioned suckfest would be the show's opener... The Dudley Boys did the job for the X-Sucktor. Even at that, the match served it's purpose - it got Justin Competent & X-Puke out of the way in one easy to handle package."

May 2001

On Justin Credible : "OI! Justin! Take your crotch chops, and your stupid poses, and that stupid little superkick that is the only move you have, and go far away. FAR AWAY, you hear? "

On X-Puke : "Everything about him, and I mean everything, from his oil slick of a hair style, down to that constipated little walk he does on the way down to the ring, even his highly irritating voice, gets on my nerves so bad, I really do think about inflicting acts of butchery with a rusty pen knife in him. X-Puke should have that stupid floppy tongue of his nailed to the back of the next Moon-bound rocket."

On Jeff Hardy (again) : "In chatrooms, I merely mention the fact I despise his living guts, and I get hit with the teeny brigade's reply - "But he's hot, and he's sensitive! And he writes poetry!". The point here is... So What? I don't care if he's William Bloody Shakespeare in a wig, it doesn't change the fact that a half eaten Mars Bar displays more mat-wrestling skills than Jeff ever will."

On Chyna : "We'll gloss over the Women's title "match" although I wonder what the better contest was : Chyna trying to stay in her top, or me trying to keep my post midnight PPV snack down. I suggest the latter. The Ultimate Warrior... erm sorry Chyna took the win with a powerbomb Sid couldn't have done any better... BWAH hahaha! "

June 2001

On Mick Foley : " I'm sitting watching "The Big Lebowski" while I type this up, and its just struck me that Dude Lebowski (the main erm.. dude... in the film) is a dead ringer for Mick Foley in his Dude Love persona... sweet!"

On DDP at King Of The Ring : " Taker does some ass whuppin' and DDP takes off like Scott Hall from an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting... "

July 2001

On Michael Cole : "Michael Cole getting beaten up was some of the best WWF TV I have seen in weeks. Please make this a regular occurrence - it was great to see. "

On WWE booking : "The matches we've had recently of Jeff v X-Puke have been some of the most nightmare inducing things I've seen since Chyna's Playboy pictures."

On the ECW revival on Raw : "I'm talking full on lunacy - getting my ECW theme CD and putting 'This Is Extreme' on constant repeat - I'm talking digging out my Tommy Dreamer shirt from the wash pile (didn't smell too bad) - I'm talking genuinely being excited, being hyped beyond belief... and all this for just 3 simple letters."

On Raven vs. Regal at Invasion : "Positive Point : I ate a nice sandwich while this was on."

August 2001

On DDP vs. Sara : " As for the match, well, Sara showed more willingness to sell in 6 seconds than The Undertaker has in the past 3 months, but that's another column."

September 2001

On Hugh Morrus : "That fat guy as he's commonly known."

October 2001

On DDP's teeth : "Those teeth must be a work... maybe Kane gave him a discount?"

On Shane-O-Mac : " Shane can cut a decent promo, but his over-enthusiasm and bounciness makes him come a cross as Tigger on speed."

November 2001

On Tazz : " Tazz has been the thorn in the paw of the Alliance's lion (ooo dramatic, eh?)"

On Michael Cole : " Picture the scene - a match is going on in the ring - and suddenly, let's say, Kurt Angle's music starts up. Does Michael Cole say "And here comes Kurt Angle - I wonder what he wants?" No. The Goatee'd Git says "King, what's this? Who's coming down the ramp?" GYAHHHH!!! Phone a friend, dumbass!"

December 2001

On Vince Russo style booking : "Movie star? Nay, World Champion. David Arquette. WCW World Champion. Next."

January 2002

On Jericho's future : "Chris Jericho's new role is revealed - he's seen on Raw driving Kevin Nash's limo and carrying his bags. The Ross Report says that Jericho 'shows his willingness to expand his style for the benefit of the team - he's a true class act'. "

On the nWo : "Will Vince get an Oscar nomination for his portrayal of a man desperate to stop the slide of his company, a man so desperate he'd bring in a tall man, a drunk man and an old man? What's that? Oh, he's not acting? Ah."

February 2002

On old WCW footage on Raw : "It's just plain weird to see stuff like the spray-painting of the belt, the 'Finger Poke Of Doom' by Hogan (incidentally, the finest piece of selling by Nash in his career)"

On Scott Hall : " nice to see the crowd count out the 1-2-3 to give Scott Hall a hand... if you'd told him it was half a six pack, I'm sure he could get it right."

On Scott Hall again : " we had some interaction between Austin and the nWo too, with the priceless sight of Scott Hall actually giving beer away. Notice the cans were sealed? Ah, you see Hall worked you - he'd drained the cans already with the aid of a syringe and a straw, it's the only explanation for him not going scrabbling about the floor when Austin dropped the beers."

On poor Scott Hall... yet again : "Hogan retrieved the Spray Cans Of Doom, and left it to Hall to spray the initials on Austin, something he did very well, seeing as in rehearsals, he constantly sprayed "BUD"."

March 2002

On the nWo : " After the 'coffee guy' segment backstage with the nWo, they had a quick bout of 'Paper, Scissors, Stone' and the unthinkable happened... Hogan jobbed! Yes, Hogan jobbed out for the good of the company, and even more unlikely, Nash jobbed after him - with no finger poke required... a sure sign that the nWo's attitude has improved greatly."

On Corvettes : "What does Vince have against corvettes? He let Steve Austin kill one with cement, and he let Trips cut one in half? Or was it just the weight of Stephanie's chest that broke the back seat off?"

On WrestleMania : "If live to see every Wrestlemania from this day on, I doubt I will ever see 2 men control a crowd so well, to have 68,000 people basically eat out of the palm of their hands."

April 2002

On Tommy Dreamer : "Tommy Dreamer sighting reported this week on Raw!!!"

On compiling my Top 5 list : "I sat and really, really thought about it for a while... then I had to stop because my brain hurt."

On Paul Heyman's book-keeping : " Heyman running away from Matt Hardy last week on Raw... know why Heyman moved so fast? Matt shouted "Mr. Heyman, this cheque bounced"..."

On Chris Jericho : "Oh, look - it's Chris Jericho! He's on PPV! Astounding! Actually, it's not. It's a promo about how he was headlining Wrestlemania 30 days ago, and now he's not even on the card. It's funny because it's TRUE!!!"

On Al Snow & Maven vs. Billy & Chuck : "I drank a can of Lilt and ate a Mars Bar in a vain attempt to stay awake for the next match during all of this, incidentally."

May 2002

On Jazz : "Out comes Jazz, who I desperately wanted to start a 'You're a Man' chant about, but quite frankly, she'd hunt me down and kill me."

On Technology : "Important info for anyone going to see a live show - read the manual for your camera BEFORE you go - it may have a zoom function on it..."

On Undertaker Chokeslamming Hogan at Judgment Day : "possibly the first chokeslam below sea level I've ever seen"

June 2002

On Shawn Michaels finding God : "He'll get beat up outside a nativity scene in Syracuse by anywhere from 12 - 30 Apostles for looking at Mary the wrong way..."

On WWE Scriptwriting : "When Matt found Jeff playing his guitar... Matt : "Hey, man." Jeff : "Hey man." Matt : "What are you doing?" Jeff : "I'm just playing the guitar." "

July 2002

On Victoria : " Victoria, who is being pushed hard by the WWE as the female Next Big Thing (even though she looks nothing like Brock Lesnar)"

On Chris Jericho's retiral from the 'Net : "But, I'd better not get too negative, Chris Jericho will shoot on me!"

On Old Age : "Hogan called Ric Flair "wrinkles". Hello, Mr Kettle, this is Mr Pot..."

August 2002

On Censorship : "Take a look at Raw this past week : we have Mae Young and Moolah being splattered... well, actually if you lived in the US you got it, anywhere else and you got a quick break, only to wonder what the HELL was going on... C'est la vie. Smacks of what The Dudleys used to do them, no? Yeah, I thought so too. Thanks for agreeing with me, Mystery Voice in my head."

On shock departures : "Eddie going after Edge's arm like X-Pac going after an unemployment cheque (wa-hey!)"

September 2002

On... well, who knows, really? : "Stupid freakin' otter.. get off my damn leg! Oh... you're here... erm, is that time already?"

On Mark Henry's Impressive CV : "Sexual Chocolate, Olympian, World's Strongest Man, Mae Young's Lover"

On Billy Gunn : "Come the revolution, Gunn will be the first against the wall."

On Chris Benoit : "5 minutes of Benoit is worth more than 3 hours of Jeff Hardy, and that my friends, is a fact."

On HLA : "When Bisch was talking about the ugliest lesbian he could find, I thought Vince had given Nicole Bass her job back."

October 2002

On Kevin Nash : "Kevin Nash will be at WWE's New York night-club The World for the Raw party. Better get your autograph quick, if he has to pick up that heavy pen and sign his name, then he could well tear some ligaments in his arm. If it's the arm that he uses to flick the hair out of his eyes, then that could well be a career ender, folks. It's a shame, he's such a hoss."

On NWA : "Chris Rock on the NWA:TNA show this week? Wow! A Rock that turns up when wrestling is on!"

On Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson : " Incidentally, continuity fans, I didn't have a sandwich OR a microwave meal - I ate a packet of cheese flavour tortilla chips."

On Tazz's dancing skills : "Let's just say Tazz is as good at dancing as Albert is at shaving."

November 2002

On Chris Jericho : "Sign some autographs outside the arena... well, one. Even then, the kid was so awe-struck that I have to literally chase him and scrawl my name on the back of his jacket. Luckily, he remembered I'm a heel, so he was calling me all sorts of names... kayfabe is important, people, remember that!"

December 2002 :

On Stacy Keibler : "Those shorts she wears always seem to be just that bit too short for her, and go up... erm... too high."

On Dawn Marie : " I'd give her one. Erm, a wish I mean."

On The Big Show : "Show should be taken from the main event and shot. In fact, no - shooting's too good - make him watch a compilation match of Justin Credible and X-Pac's greatest matches for 48 hours on constant loop, that's pain enough."

January 2003

On the 2003 Predictions : "I'll do my preview of the year to come, which has been known to be funny. Once. And that was by accident."

On Kevin Nash : "Nash's WWE career has been blighted by injuries : however, another injury problem may mean Nash hanging up the leather trousers once and for all. Nash hopes for the best but fears this injury may be the worst he's had in his career - he ran out of conditioner last week, and they don't make his brand anymore."

On The Rock : "he Rock knows that the WWE fans made him, so he feels that he owes us just enough to come back for a couple of months every so often, those couple of months usually coinciding with Wrestlemania, the biggest show of the year, and the most publicity, but hey, that must be a coincidence, right? Right?"

On HHH vs. Steiner : " Yes, it was a terrible match. But... allowing for the fact that Trips is basically one legged, and Steiner can barely walk from his car to the arena without being out of breath, then it was by no means as bad as I was expecting,"

February 2003

On Sean O'Haire : " Of course, O'Haire could also be the Devil in disguise, which raises the question - if he is Satan, will he be jobbing to Shawn Michaels soon?"

On Kidman : " Kidman, the antidote for insomnia."

On Bsquared : "I miss BOOyah already"

On Steiner : "You have to admit, for a guy that can barely stand without running out of breath, Steiner has been booked nicely on Raw."

On Jericho vs. Jeff Hardy : "Jericho took the popular (in my household anyway) victory to send the body painted freak scuttling back to whatever hole he crawled out of with his tail between his legs"

On William Regal : "Speaking of sucking, here's William Regal!"

March 2003

On HHH : "Starting in January 2000, and yes, I did do the checking on this, if you look at Trips in singles matches on free TV only, do you know how many of those matches he's lost clean in just under 40 months? Absolutely none. Not a single match has he lost clean."

On Trish Stratus at WrestleMania : "The biggest struggle of the night - Trish's breasts and their struggle for freedom - you have to say, for a small lass, she's certainly built well..."

On Steve Austin : "I thought it was quite ironic when JR was spouting his "Steve Austin won't quit, dammit!" hype... didn't he do just that last year?"

On The Eric Bischoff Title awarding trend : "You, sir, what are you doing? Nothing? Oh, well here we go, have a Championship!"

On Kidman : "Billy "I have no personality, but I got a hot chick" Kidman"

On A-Train & Big Show vs. Nathan Jones & Taker : "one hairball, one giant fat slob, one ex-con Aussie who apparently can barely walk without falling over, and a hell's angel"

April 2003

On Kevin Nash Run-ins : "right foot - flick hair - left foot - flick hair - right foot - stop for breath, check hair colour - left foot - tear some form of muscle, fall down, scream like girl, check hair."

On Eric Bischoff : "I get the feeling if you sat Bischoff on a leather couch, he's slide off it on to the floor, the man is honestly that slimy."

On HHH : " I look forward to Triple H's heel stylings like people look forward to a coughing businessman sitting next to them on a flight out of Hong Kong... See, I can do topical jokes too!"

May 2003

On the column : "Welcome back to the Live Wire, the column that's even more packed than Lex Luger's medicine cabinet."

On The Big Show : " Go, live your life, enjoy yourself... and complete your collection of Happy Meal toys."

On Lance Storm's de-push : "Has Lance Storm ran over Stephanie's dog or something?"

On Stephanie's mic skills : "Her interviewing technique stinks about as much as her taste in men."

On Chris Jericho : "Chris Jericho may be king of the world, but he must be colour blind, or get dressed in the dark."

June 2003

On Kevin Nash : " I bet even Maven could do a drop toe hold better than Nash, and that, my friends - is a bad situation."

On Mae Young : "Mae Young is old - we get it!"

On Bad Blood : "Bad Blood was spilled last night in Houston, Texas - which is ironic, as I spilled some Worcester sauce as I made my toastie."

On Hair Dye : " A PPV with Bischoff and Nash - and it's sponsored by Maxim Hair Colour? Someone has a sick, sick sense of humour."

On anger : " As angry as Bill DeMott in the dinner queue when the guy in front of him gets the last Danish pastry. Yes, that angry."

On Austin meets Kane : "Austin turns round and the Big Red Drunk Driver stands staring at him."

On WWE vs. WWF : " World Wrestling Federation vs. The Pandas : Pandas Win! Pandas Win! Pandas Win!"

Still on WWE vs. WWF : "And after the WWF were so kind to dumb animals - well, they gave the Big Show the world title!"

July 2003

On unmasked Kane : "Now? He's just a big ugly guy in a cool costume."

On Evil : "If Satan was real, I'm sure he'd have the same facial expressions as Mr. McMahon."

On surrealism : "Sean O'Haire hit the Easter Bunny with a sucker punch."

August 2003

On Mark Henry : "He is still alive. He is still being paid."

On The Undertaker : "With the WWE restructuring it's staffing levels at the moment, several areas of the company are now being staffed by wrestlers during their downtime, and one such change has put the Undertaker in charge of Shopzone. Given the 'Taker's reputation of not selling for anyone, we assume Shopzone has approx. 2 days of life left."

On Coach's heel turn : "Take a note in your diary - August 24th 2003 - Phoenix, Arizona - The America West Arena. Why is it significant? Because it's the day that The Coach FINALLY became interesting."

September 2003

On UK TV : "If, like me, you're stuck in the televisual equivalent of the Sahara Desert that is the UK, then you will have been watching SmackDown this week and wondered where the final 20 minutes went."

On Mick Foley falling through Hell In A Cell in 1998 : "On a scale of yuckiness, that is on a par with listening to a Justin Timberlake record."

On Steiner vs. Test : "Previous matches between the two have been memorable only for Scott Steiner and his attempted leap from the ring which ended in the shortest flight since the days of the Wright Brothers"

October 2003

On Randy Savage's CD : "so bad that it heads back round to good"

On Stephanie vs. Vince on PPV : "Those Pot Noodles will be in full effect for this one. Nice 'n Spicy or Bacon Sizzler, I think."

On A-Train : "Why do all the jumped up midcarders who get a push a) go through Benoit and b) try and drop him on his head?"

On bonus matches : "The WWE took pity on us and added a bonus match to the seven match card - but then they turned right round and kicked us in the teeth by including the APA in it."

On Paul Heyman : "Heyman is evil... which we all know. Just ask Shane Douglas."

November 2003

On... the truth : "Welcome once more, whether you like it or not to The Live Wire - the column that has become a shadow of whatever it once was."

On Lita vs. Molly : " The big question is... Pot Noodle, sandwich, soup or toast? Decisions, decisions..."

On Team Lesnar's plus points : "Team Lesnar is really, really, REALLY big."

On a Survivor Series positive : "Hardcore Holly got precisely 1 minute of PPV time. Works for me!"

~~~~

Which brings us up to December 2003... that was my favourite quotes from the previous 200 editions of this column... if you read them all, thank you... if you only read this one, then you're very lucky indeed!

Until then, have fun, go mad.

Thanks for reading - be sure and pay a visit to these two sweet sites :

WrestleHolic.com

TheGroovyComapany

Tony Cottam

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Wrestling101 - Blog
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