The Live Wire: WrestleMania Special Edition!

Well hello. It’s been a while and yet still things stay the same. Triple H is in the main event at WrestleMania, and there are no Cruiserweights on the card either. Huzzah! OK, maybe the Cruiserweight deal is understandable, given that Gregory Helms is injured… but still. Hell, even the Smackdown tag champs can’t even get on the card… but I digress. See? Some things don’t change… On with the card…

Boogeyman vs. Booker T & Sharmell

Holy crap… we’re going to hell in a handcart and Vince has chosen the Boogeyman as his personal herald. Seriously folks, to paraphrase Jim Ross, this is gonna be bowling shoe ugly and I couldn’t give a crap about it. I may spend this match preparing and/or eating a snack of some sort.
Winner: Boogeyman.

Playboy Pillow Fight
Torrie Wilson vs. Candice Michelle

Oh lookie here! Two bimbos, about 20lbs of implants and STILL I don’t give a damn. Look for my snack exploits to continue here… I’m thinking square sausage, in a roll, with a bit of grated cheese and Worcester sauce… yummy!
Winner: My stomach. Oh, and Candice, natch.

Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Matt Hardy vs. Finlay vs. Lashley vs. RVD vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Ric Flair

Hey Matt Hardy! Hey RVD! Welcome to your own personal clinics on how to take huge bumps for all and sundry around you, while not actually amounting to much yourself! Seriously, expect Flair to take maybe one bump from halfway up the ladder, Finlay likewise and Matt and Rob to do the rest of the dirty work. Still, if it’s half as good as last year’s, that’ll do me. I predict a win for Smackdown’s Next Big Thing on this one…
Winner: Lashley.

Women's Championship
Trish Stratus (c) vs. Mickie James

With apologies to Snagglepuss, heavens to Murgatroyd! It’s a women’s match that has been booked to perfection (in my opinion) and actually has the possibility of being good! Mickie’s character has been developed slowly, even though everyone knew where it was going and the feud has worked much better for it. Congratulations, WWE! Oh yeah, and Mickie will complete her journey, and take the belt home with her.
Winner: Mickie James.

United States Championship
Chris Benoit (c) vs. JBL

This is the one I expect to open the show, if there’s no Smackdown Tag Match added. Benoit, well we know he can work and drag a match out of anyone, and JBL isn’t as bad as I once thought he was, and if nothing else, knows how to pace himself and the match. There’s a fair chance that this match might just be the sleeper hit of the show. I fully expect “The Wrestling God” to get the win here.
Winner: JBL.

World Tag Team Championship
Kane & Big Show (c) vs. Chris Masters & Carlito

Ummm… yeah. I really, really REALLY can’t stand Chris Masters. Carlito is destined for bigger and better things, and to me, this team just smacks of Carlito turning face and feuding with Masters eventually. On the flip side, it looks to me like Kane will eventually turn heel and we’ll get that classic Big Show-Kane match we’re all on tenterhooks for. Toss a coin for this one, folks…
Winners: Kane & Big Show.

Casket Match
Undertaker vs. Mark Henry

Oh. Dear. God. It’s Mark Henry on a PPV! Taker’s entrance will probably be as much as my interest will hold in this one. Taker will probably phone this one in, and spend his time trying not to be injured by The Incredible Bulk. If Henry wins this one, Earth may well stop turning in shock.
Winner: Undertaker.

Hardcore Match
Edge vs. Mick Foley

Hell Yeah! I’m looking forward to this. Edge ain’t afraid to take a sick bump, and Mick Foley isn’t exactly averse to it either… Edge, for my money, is so over that he doesn’t need the win. Mick Foley isn’t regular, so doesn’t need the win, but does need, as Edge pointed out, that defining WrestleMania moment. I predict this match will give Foley that moment… and the win.
Winner: Mick Foley.

No Holds Barred Match
Mr. McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels

C’Mon! Shawn has been getting his ass kicked on TV for weeks now; Bret Hart’s going into the Hall of Fame; what else can they do but put a seventy foot high neon sign on top of the arena saying “SHAWN’S GONNA WIN THIS ONE” without giving it away? Not only that, I think this here will be match of the show. Vince is smart enough to know his limitations, and Shawn is smart enough to know how to use them. Plus, with Bret in town, nothing more Shawn would love than to steal the show one more time…
Winner: Shawn Michaels.

WWE Championship
John Cena (c) vs. Triple H

Hey, it’s the annual “Triple H Gets the win in the Main Event” match! As much as John Cena appears to be a nice guy, he’s just not got the fans behind him right now, and at WrestleMania, that could be fatal. Trips is obviously going home with the gold, it’s just a matter of can Cena hang with Trips in the ring to make it look good. I hope so, for his sake.
Winner: Triple H.

World Heavyweight Championship
Kurt Angle (c) vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio

Here’s my theory – if Trips wins the Raw title, then either Rey or Angle takes the win here. I’m putting my money on Rey taking the belt, if only for a month or so, and even then, only to help the transition of Angle back to super heel bad man of the month. I’d be surprised if Orton took the title just now, but it is in his future, sooner than you’d think if Rey wins here.
Winner: Rey Mysterio

So there we go – I’d expect MNM vs. Kendrick & London to be added, either on Heat or the WrestleMania card itself – and for MNM to go over cleanly on that one, and Paul London to probably attempt to kill himself somehow… All in all, it’s actually not too bad a card – two outright clunkers, natch – but some really good matches and some matches that have potential to be good.

I’m actually quite looking forward to this. Go me!

Have fun, go mad.

Tony Cottam