-Edge is backstage on his phone, talking about a party tonight. Looks like he’s a little paranoid, looking over his shoulder and such.
-Michael Cole and J.B.L. intro the show, and we preview Edge’s Rated-R Mardi Gras Celebration. Also tonight, the contract signing for the match between Great Khali and Batista.
-M.V.P comes out. He takes on Matt Hardy for the U.S Championship in nine days. He’ll be the guest commentator for the next match.
1-MATT HARDY VS. CHRIS MASTERS
M.V.P goes off on “biased media types,” talking heads like Cole, who only want to talk about the negative side of things (as in Hardy beating him last week). Subtle. Masters throws Hardy into the buckle following a lock-up. Off the ropes goes Matt, and down thanks to a shoulder tackle. Hardy puts the boots to Masters, but his Twist of Fate is shoved off by Masters. He gets caught coming off the ropes with a back elbow by the Masterpiece. Hardy goes back on offense, working the left arm. Masters gets loose and hits a bodyslam, then goes after the back of Matt. Masters rams Hardy’s back into the buckle a couple times and Hardy tries to battle out. Press slam by Masters and we head to break.
Masters has Matt in a rest-hold when we come back. Jaw-breaker gets him out of it, then he pounds away and hits an enziguiri. To the second rope, Matt misses with the legdrop. Sidewalk slam by Masters for two. Irish whip hard into the opposite turnbuckle and Hardy goes down. Shot to the lower back by Masters, nailing Hardy with the forearm. And again. A third time misses and Hardy gets a pinning combination for two. Big clothesline in the corner from Masters. Cover for a near-fall. Back-breaker by the Masterpiece. Out of the corner, another clothesline by Masters. Hardy slowly fights back but not for long, as Masters puts him back in a neck vice. Counter after counter from these two, and Hardy finally takes charge with an elbow off the second rope to the back of the head. He hits the Side Effect for a near fall. Twist of Fate and its over.
WINNER: Hardy at 13:06.
M.V.P and Hardy stare each other down after the match. Porter causes enough of a distraction for Masters to come from behind and lock in the Masterlock M.V.P then hits the Playmaker and the “Ballin!” elbowdrop.
-Tonight, Edge’s Rated-R Mardi Gras Celebration, and the contract signing between Batista and Great Khali.
-WWE: Don’t Try This At Home.
2- FINLAY VS. JIMMY WANG YANG
New ref for this one. Finlay with a ref-assisted clean break in the corner. Another break in the ropes. Finlay with a take-down, followed by a suplex, and he keeps the front face-lock on. Uppercut by Finlay, and another. Yang with some nice kicks to Finlay’s legs, then a head-scissor take-down and a dropkick that sends Finlay to the outside. Wow, Yang tries a baseball slide but Finlay puts up the ring apron to catch him. Back inside, Finlay lays in the elbows. Into the corner, Finlay catches Yang, who went for another head-scissor, and Finlay gives him a back-breaker instead. Finlay goes after the left arm of Smackdown’s resident redneck. Chris Jericho move #644 (arm-bar) applied by Finlay. Yang battles back to his feet, where Finlay meets him with a short-arm clothesline. Back to the arm goes Fit. Whip into the buckle followed by another back-breaker. He tries that sequence again, but Yang fights out with (what else?) some kicks. Yang hits a spinning heel kick in the corner, then a crossbody off the top for only two. Moonsault misses but he lands on his feet. Off the ropes, a high back-body drop by Finlay. Celtic Cross and the pin.
WINNER: Finlay at 6:42
After the match, Finlay lets Hornswaggle out from underneath the ring to do some damage to Yang.
-Tonight, Great Khali and Batista’s contract signing.
3- CHAVO GUERRERO & JAMIE NOBLE VS. THE MAJOR BROTHERS
Brian and Jamie to begin things. Some nice switches and hammerlocks to start until Noble says “screw it” and just starts punching Brian. Two arm-drags later, Brian has the advantage. Brett with a double axe-handle off the tag. Noble elbows away and Chavo comes in, only to get arm-dragged down. Chavo rolls through a double-team and hits a bodyslam. Tag to Noble. Snap-mare then an elbow by the former Pitbull. Tag in to Brett and they do the double-leap frog and double-hip toss spot from last week. Standing dropkick to both heels. Noble hits a neck-breaker though. He brings Brett over to the corner for the tag to Chavo and the heels begin to isolate the ring. Noble gets a cheap shot in then tags in legally and goes to work. Camel clutch by Noble. No word on if he plans to make the Majors humble. After a distraction, a sunset flip is negated by a tag to Chavo. Uppercut by Chavo, followed up by a belly-to-back suplex. Noble tags back in and gets a headbutt. Attempted double-team by the heels is fought off by Brett Majors. He makes the tag to Brian who goes to work on both opponents. He hits a flying forearm then a dropkick. Back-body drop, then a spinebuster. Noble breaks up a pin attempt. Brett sends Noble to the outside. Brian tags to Brett, who hits the missile dropkick from the top and they score the upset.
WINNERS: Major Brothers at 7:16.
Big win, but they are SO vanilla. And not in the good “vanilla midget” way. Just so plain. Give them a gimmick or something. Anyway, Chavo and Noble argue on the outside.
-Great Khali’s translator tracks down Vickie Guerrero. He wants to call off the match because Batista, a fan favorite, would get destroyed. After she turns down the request, she runs into Khali, who yells loudly at her. The two run into the guys taking the stuff to the ring for the contract signing. A man in a headset who seems to be in charge, says the even have a chair to accommodate Khali’s size. The men take this as an insult, so Khali throws the man against the nearest wall.
-Rey Mysterio is returning….sometime.
-Edge is watching backstage. Somehow, Kane gets on his TV when his back is turned, but when he turns back around, Mysterio’s ad is finishing up. Must be some special in-arena feed of the show.
-Theodore Long comes to the ring, contract in hand. Long introduces Great Khali, then Batista. Both men take a seat, though Khali is a little slower to do so. I bet he regrets beating up that stage-hand as he sits comfortably in his chair. Batista immediately signs the contract. Apparently, Khali was looking for a gentleman (like himself) when he made an open challenge last week. The interpreter calls Batista an animal and says he shouldn’t be in the ring with Khali. Khali yells something into the mic, then signs the contract. Big Dave offers his hand to Khali but when Khali fails to accept, he slaps the giant. The interpreter holds Khali back from going after the former champ. Khali tries to one-up Batista (who tossed aside the furniture in the ring) and throws the ring steps at Batista. This just pisses Batista off more, who throws the stairs, chairs and table to the outside at Khali.
-We see highlights of what just happened.
4- CHUCK PALUMBO VS. Luke Hawkes
Palumbo takes Fox to the mat, then clotheslines him back down. Side suplex with good elevation by the guy who likes motorcycles. He rams Fox into the corner, then catches Fox coming off the top and hits a belly-to-belly. Big kick is hit, and his finisher (a swinging rock bottom) follows it for the win.
WINNER: Palumbo at 1:41.
-Edge’s R-Rated Mardi Gras Celebration is tonight!
-Jessie and Festus talk about the WWE divas. Jessie says he’s bashful, but the ladies apparently go nuts for Festus. Seriously, who does this gimmick appeal to?
-Edge brushes his teeth backstage. In the mirror, Kane appears, but then steps away before Edge can see him.
-Also backstage, the tag champs are standing near their car when they spy Eugene checking out their wheels. He wants to drive it, but Deuce ‘N Domino have other ideas. Domino says if Eugene takes on Deuce’s opponent for him, they’ll drive him out to the ring then celebrate when he wins. Apparently, switching wrestlers in a match doesn’t have to be cleared with Vickie or Teddy?
-Tonight, Edge has his Rated-R Mardi Gras Celebration.
5- EUGENE VS. MARK HENRY
Eugene offers his hand and Henry just swallows him up. He splashes Eugene in the corner, then tosses him to the mat. Henry picks Eugene up and sets him on horizontally on the top rope and beats him while the tag champs enjoy things on the outside. Powerslam by Henry and he picks him back up in a bear-hug. Eugene has no choice but to submit.
WINNER: Henry at 1:38.
After the match, the tag champs taunt a fallen Eugene in the ring.
-Michelle McCool philosophizes about rollerblading. Oh, and she loves life.
-We see what happened between Torrie and Victoria last week. Next, the two face each other in a one-on-one matchup.
-Teddy talks to his finacee backstage when Vickie comes in. He compliments her on how she handled Khali’s request. Kristal asks her to be her maid of honor.
6- Torrie Wilson vs. Victoria
Victoria attacks right at the bell and gets a right-hook and a hair-toss. Torrie blocks a kick and hits a clothesline then hammers away. She hits a hair-toss of her own, but Victoria gets a knee to the face and a kick to the head. Victoria works the back of Torrie and follows up with a kick to the gut. She peppers Torrie with slaps. Victoria throws Torrie face-first into the mat, and gets a two-count. Another hair-toss. She then chokes Torrie into the ropes and referee John Cone (he DOES have a name!) admonishes her (his mic is really turned up). Victoria misses a standing moonsault and Torrie fights back with some rights and a pair of clotheslines. Swinging neckbreaker puts Victoria down for a near-fall. Suplex by Torrie for two. Victoria sets Torrie up for the Widow’s Peak, but but Torrie wiggles out and kicks her out of the ring. Thesz press off the apron and she’s going to town on Victoria. Torrie sneaks in before Victoria, who gets counted out.
WINNER: Torrie at 4:33.
-A bunch of guys are dressed funny backstage (a clown, a pirate, a jester, a Burger King king) as Edge approaches. Apparently, they’re part of his celebration, which is next.
-Cole and J.B.L run down the Great American Bash card.
-Some jazz music brings out a parade (literally) of characters, including the Very Tall Man (only this one has stilts). We’ve got confetti as well. Edge seems to be enjoying himself. The characters surround the ring while Edge stands in it. Edge sucks up to the locals, but they don’t seem to be buying it. He promises the biggest party the city has ever seen. The champ plugs his match at GAB and says he’ll walk out champion. Edge re-starts the party and the characters throw beads. I bet one is Kane in a mask. Edge stands between two characters and wants his music cut. He senses Kane is under the mask of the queen, so he spears them. But Kane takes off the King mask behind him, and throws Edge into the ring. Back-body drop and Kane takes off his shirt (he’s got quite the gut all of a sudden). Edge’s party friends try to save him and he does make it out of the ring while Kane gets rid of them. We end with Kane staring at Edge in the aisleway.