The Redman Report: WWE Raw 25/4/11 & Complete Draft: Just Kill Me Now.


The dreaded Draft. This year’s was probably the least interesting one going in, and in the end, the most shocking piece of news of the whole show was, in fact, Randy Orton growing facial hair, and the main casualty was, in fact, a heart. Mine. Because you broke it, WWE. Into teeny tiny pieces.

I’ll talk mainly about the Draft here, both the live one and Supplemental one, because that was the function of the show and there wasnt much to the actual content, but there are a couple of things I do need to mention about Raw first.

Firstly, R-Truth’s interview. It was pretty awesome. We havent had a good WHAT angle in quite a while, so this was incredibly fun to watch. I dont think a heel selling WHAT has ever not been funny. Truth raving at InviZible Little Jimmy was one of the best wacky heel meltdowns I’ve seen in a while too. This was all fun. And we end with a brawl. Brawls are fun.

Cody Rhodes is the Greatest Man in the Entire World. All I got.

Actually, one thing I will say on the Draft here is that I LOVE, LOVE the two locker rooms sitting backstage as teams reacting to the draft picks. They did it in 2004 and I loved it then, and I’m so happy they brought it back.

RANDY ORTON IS GROWING FACIAL HAIR. 9 years’ hard work destroyed in an instant. Blew my mind.

Women. I like the kHARMa thing they did. I’m going to have to get used to calling her Kharma. Anyway, SHE’S COMING.

Also, LayCool. I mean, sure, f*ck Cole, but what I noticed is that Layla BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THAT WHORE. That was some brutal stuff from a little lady who hasnt really been brutal before. Cant wait for them to have a match so I can see Layla actually work instead of just job incompetently in 60 seconds.

What morons they are for giving JR vs Cole away here. This is the worst booked angle with the best actual content, because this was moronic, but God damn if I didnt enjoy seeing JR smash Cole’s face in with his fists. And Jesus, talk about brutal, he was beating the hell out of him. This was some Drew-esqe mauling. Plus, we’re going all World Class on people here in 2011 with a COUNTRY WHIPPING MATCH. So, this angle sucks, they’re morons, but FIST IN YOUR FACE COLE. I saw it. Now f*ck off.

The main event was a really, really fun 6-man. John Cena is like the greatest tag team wrestler in the world without ever tagging in. He’s the hardest apron worker in the world. Anyway, really good match, this was some collection of heel workers and babyface sellers. Let down by the ending, but whatever, fun match.

The Draft

So, this f*cking Draft. Its not so much that Smackdown got screwed over. I mean, it did get screwed over, its inevitable, but we all know that Team Blue always recovers in the end regardless and everyone will end up better for the experience.

I’m not quite sure that I will, however, because this Draft didnt so much screw Smackdown as screw Jimmy Redman. This was a draft that made me fall down and cry. And dont think I’m kidding either. I mean, it sounds terribly sad so I kind of wish I wasnt being so open here, but I tell you, with all the honesty the internet will allow, that I heard the results of this entire draft and I literally sank to the floor in despair. I crawled into the corner and wanted to not feel feelings anymore.

I F*CKING HATE WRESTLING.

This is my fault, I guess, because I went so far as to make a list. Mainly a mental list, I mentioned it around here and there, but there were guys who were MY guys, my favourite guys, my Smackdown workrate guys and under no circumstances could they leave my show. Cody. Alberto. Drew. Masters. Kofi. Rey. Christian. All in that order too. And I lost them all, all except Cody and Christian. F*ck you WWE.

Anyway, lets look at the Draft.

John Cena – LOL. I’m just starting to read around the internet and I cant believe that so many people actually believed Cena would leave Raw. Its easy for me to say now, but I saw him drafted and spent the next hour and a half saying “He’s so not going anywhere” over and over and annoying everyone in my house. Come on, guys. They didnt take Cena off Raw when he was FIRED. There’s no way now with ratings dropping post-Mania that they say “Yeah, lets send him to Smackdown.”

I have to say though, despite my convictions, I had an hour and a half to dream about how cool it would be to have Cena on Smackdown getting his workrate on. Its a nice dream.

Rey Mysterio – F*ck off! I understand wanting to move Sin Cara to SD so they had to move Rey here, whatever, but just f*ck off.

Randy Orton – This is fine, I expected this. Only problem is that SD’s top babyface is someone I really dont care about. He doesnt irritate me like Edge did, but still, meh. He’ll have some matches, at least.

Mark Henry – WOOOOOO! MARK HENRY BITCHES! Sh*ts gonna get real on Team Blue. Totally approve this, at least. Well, I did until they TURNED HIM HEEL AGAIN. I’m so used to him being Smilin’ Babyface Mark Henry that this really pissed me off. Although there’s room for heel movement on SD now, so I dont hate the idea of him beating on some babyfaces.

Sin Cara – Yes! It makes rational sense because he’s on the taped show, the Hispanic show, and the workrate show, and it makes JR sense because he’s on the workrate show! This will be hugely fun. I feel a little better about Rey now too.

Big Show – Only liked this because someone better wasnt drafted off Smackdown. Go ahead, take Show! Take Kane! Take all the lugs, I dont care!

Alberto – F*CK OFF. Even though I knew it was coming it still wounded my soul. Smackdown is half as fun now. This Cena program better freaking work.

Daniel Bryan – YES! I was going to mention the other day that while I didnt expect it, Bryan eventually going to SD to get his workrate on would rule. And here we are! This, THIS is a good move.

Jack Swagger – Makes sense if they keep him with Cole. I lose some workrate but Swagger hasnt been around much on SD lately anyway.

Khali – Dont care.

Usos – Dont care.

Kelly – Bugger. Smackdown needs MORE women, not less.

JTG – Dont care.

Alicia Fox – Kelly Kelly for Alicia Fox is NOT a fair swap, damn it. Although she might get to look better and not so goofy on SD. I’m in the red here.

William Regal – Makes sense since NXT is taped with SD.

Yoshi Tatsu – Dont care, but he might get to work a little.

Drew McIntyre – F*CK THE F*CKING F*CK OFF. NO, NO, NO. F*CKING F*CK. I hate you.

Natalya – Yay! I gotta be happy with a worker on SD. Need more girls.

Curt Hawkins – Dont care.

Chris Masters – GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JESUS CHRIST. I F*CKING HATE YOU DOUBLE DOUBLE E. RARGH.

Kofi Kingston -

…I hate everything.

Ted DiBiase – Good move for him. I’ll be the first to say, right here, that in 9 months Ted is going to be looking really good.

Tyson Kidd – Again, good career move. If he gets on TV he can get his workrate on too, which is a good thing.

Tamina – I dont really care about her, but she hasnt had much chance to work on Raw so she might just need the opportunity. Not hatin’ yet.

Tyler Reks – Dont care.

Alex Riley – I wonder why they’re breaking them up, Riley is perfect for Miz. Although they’ve been together a while and there’s no end game in it since Riley just is a heel, so whatever. I dont know.

Beth Phoenix – NO! Bugger. So I lose Beth and Kelly and get Nattie, Alicia and Tamina. Nattie is fine, but Alicia and Tamina dont make up for Kelly, at least not right now. Bugger it.

Sheamus – Woah, yay! The guy might get a chance on SD and he’s sure going to have some matches.

So, in conclusion…I hate my life.


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