The Redman Report: WWE Raw Slammy Awards 12/12/11: Oh You Didnt Know? So F*ck Your Rules Man!

Slammys. Or in other words, Comedy: the good, the bad and the bowling shoe ugly. But also a few surprise returns (no spoilers), and some that were a little more foreseen. Also, probably wrestling. I think. I cant say for sure.

First of all, one thing I have to say I like about the Slammys is the clips they do of the nominees – I genuinely appreciate them reminding me of some awesome stuff that happened. Like in this case, Santino almost winning the Rumble.My poor heart.

But of course, this is the Cole and JR Obnoxious Bullsh*t segment. Made that much worse by JR forgetting his lines so he couldnt even get the “Wow he’s a surprisingly good/hilarious rapper!” pop. Complete bullsh*t. You’re not getting the taste of last week’s crap out of my mouth with this Double Double E.

OK, this is a little better, since I at least got a kick out of the ‘I’m Holy, you’re sh*t” joke. Plus, four awesome spots. Sin Cara’s death didnt look all that death-y in this video. Live it looked HORRIFIC.  Glad Henry and Show breaking the ring won since, well, it should have. Show is a cool dude.

Hey, a match! And wahey, Show is a cool dude! For a non-match this was fun, Show breaking the table himself all “What you gonna do?!” and then chopping Barrett into the ring was some awesome monster babyfaceness. I’m so glad they reminded me of Show’s chair punching gimmick because thats something that should TOTALLY play into the match and I now look forward to it. The World Title is the best-booked in the company, and I am so thankful for that.

ROAD DOGG! I’m too young for him but I’m still marking because I wish I wasnt too young for him. He’s just so damn smooth. Really enjoyed his work. And as I’ve said before, I really enjoy them replaying all of the great lines. I still laughed at the Santino/Obama bit. I’d completely forgotten about Booker’s crazy Rey spiel from his first week or so commentating, but man that was hilarious. The burials, less so. But above all, I still absolutely died with “Man you crazy!” DIED. Still the funniest thing I ever saw. He should have won just for that. But, when an award is named after somebody, chances are, he’s going to win.

I both loved and hated the Ace bit. Loved because we’re all such marks and we’re easy to pop, and I popped for the cheesy 80s Ace video and especially them actually showing the random Ace promo that Cena buried. Plus, in some way its nice that they finally realised they should explain all their stupid skateboard jokes to the audience. I only hated it because by this point I’d had my fill of “Vince amusing himself” TV with JR, and watching this with other people in the room was a bit tough to explain. Its funny and all, but at some point I just wish they’d stop writing TV to amuse themselves and try harder to, you know…promote wrestling.



LITA. Holy Moses. She was the last person on earth I expected, if only because she was arrested on the weekend. Boy has this show picked up. So cool to hear her voice again, wow. Mentioning her main event win makes me want to watch that again. You all should too.

Its a shame, Kharma wins this in reality but you need someone who can come out. So Kelly wins, obviously, the Boobs come out, Kelly mans up and SLAPS whichever Boob it was, and thats that. A whole bunch of nothing and the Boobs have absolutely nothing going on, but whatever, I saw LITA.

Santino can make anything watchable, even award schtick. I’m completely, 100% down with this because Taker kicking out of the Tombstone was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my life and Hunter should win every award ever for that selljob – Slammy, Oscar, Grammy, Miss Universe, whatever. His promo was the usual bunch of HHHish nothing, but he dissed Taker so that HAS TO mean The Rematch and I could not be more down with that plan. Horrified for this Nash match already though.

Tony Atlas laughing inappropriately was actually funny in ECW. For a minute. It was not funny here. Painful sh*t. Speaking of, a Twitter award.

At least we get A MATCH out of it though. This was quite a fun four-way. Some of the spots were a little cute, but still fun and this was pretty good. The criss-cross babyface topes ruled. I liked the middle where Dolph and Cody tried to work together and kept getting into misunderstandings. Stereo superplexes were cool. The finish with the finisher merry-go-round before Dolph won was pretty well done. Shame they blew it off for more Twitter bullsh*t. Looking forward to Zack winning though.

Christian’s stuff was tremendous. Its so easy to enjoy his bumbling heel act when he’s not in the main event. He was great here. As was John Cena. As soon as he came out I knew where it was going, and I laughed. The “Rock never shows up” part of this angle is his strongest so he should play that up.

The tag match was fun enough. I was distracted by people in my house as well as sh*tty commentary, which is a shame because the work in the ring was pretty good. I dont think I could have any less interest in the WWE Title match though. Jesus.

Nice to see Goldust again. He seems fatter again, since he’s injured I guess. I enjoyed this for the chance to see Aussie Hugh Jackman representin’, all the great Muppets bits and SNOOKI. Still cant get over her handspring butt. A deserved winner.

Mark Henry is a great man. So hyped for this main event, but every minute that ticks away from here is bad news for my hope of getting a proper main event.

Rey! Oh how I’ve missed thee. Come back! Anyway, I’m glad Punk won and not Cena, and I say this as someone who would probably pick Cena over him if it were real. But he needs to be the bigger deal. Plus, Ace is such a douche. Thats a good thing.

So Henry vs Cena, aww, no proper main event. But hell, it was great for what it was. Honestly, in terms of five minute matches without a finish, this is right up there. Loved Henry just bossing him around, loved Cena’s leapfrog and failed slam, loved Cena’s shoulderblocks into the bearhug. If they ever actually get the chance to have a proper match it will be awesome. Come to Smackdown Cena! And so glad they didnt just have Cena beat him too, because WOAH KANE! I am a totally hypocritical douchebag because whenever it comes up I say “Why should he put the mask back on? Who cares, its Kane!” But here I am popping for all of this – the music, the entrance, the new outfit, the outer mask, and the return of masked Kane! Really liked this a hell of a lot. Plus I liked them holding off Henry and going onto Cena instead. Interesting. All in all, not a whole lot of note, but some cool points, LITA, an awesome ending, and on a scale of Slammy shows, not that bad at all, which is all you can hope for really.


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