Well, hello. It’s the weekend of the morn of the day before the night after the one that went before it. I think. Whatever. It’s SURVIVOR SERIES BABY!!! Whoooo!!! Yes, I am remotely excited about this. Why? I don’t… really know. Honest. I have NO idea! I just love Survivor Series matches!
So peeps, with it being SurSer weekend, it’s about the time of the monthly “make a total numpty of myself” style predictions… so, with The Distillers on WinAmp, a can of Irn Bru on my desk, and a glow in my heart… let’s get it on!
WWE Cruiserweight Title Match
Tajiri (c) vs. Jamie Noble
Without question, the match I’m looking forward to the most… if only to see if Nidia returns with her new improved jubblies! No, seriously folks – it’s Tye-jiri vs. Jamie Noooooooooooble, boy! What’s NOT to love? Noble is one of the most under utilised guys in the WWE right now, and Tajiri is one of my all time faves, purely for his ECW days.
If, and it’s a big IF, these two are given 12-15 minutes and allowed to do what we know they can, then this, friends, is a sure thing for Match Of The Night. Of course, now we’ll have a 3 minute squash featuring 2 kicks, some mist and a lot of stalling. I love the WWE, me. I do! Whooo! SURVIVOR SERIES BABY!!! Ahem…assuming Nidia is to return… could she possibly turn heel on Jamie? For not protecting her? For not visiting at the hospital? Naaaaaa.
Winner : Jamie Nooooooooooooooooooble, Boy!
WWE Woman’s Title Match
Molly Holly (c) vs. Lita
Without question, the match I’m looking forward to the least. While it’s always good to see people recover from injury, and therefore good to see Lita back… it means she’s back talking and wrestling… nyaaaaaa! Please let Molly beat her down. Please. We could advance the Christian-Lita storyline, or maybe even debut Mattitude as part of the Raw roster… who knows?
I’ll think of just about anything rather than have to think about this turgid 5 minutes. The big question is… Pot Noodle, sandwich, soup or toast? Decisions, decisions… I think we’ll go with a sandwich, just for nostalgia’s sake. I’ll let you know on Monday what kind of sandwich, fact fans… As for the match, Molly to retain.
Winner : Molly Holly
WWE Tag Team Title Match
The Bashams (c) w/Shaniqua vs. Los Guerreros
Well, the Bashams have their first PPV title defence. While I still say they’re not quite ready for the championships yet, they have improved every time I’ve seen them on TV. Doug, in particular, is a star of the future I feel… As a team, they do work well together and the old switcheroo gimmick is always a classic heat magnet. Shaniqua? Well, she gives them something different, I suppose.
Sadly for Los Guerreros, I don’t see them winning this match. I don’t see them even leaving this night as a fluent team… I think Chavo’s heelish tendencies have been hinted at often enough to justify a split in the team. With December being a Raw-only PPV, Chavo vs. Eddie is a nice little filler for SmackethDown in the meantime. Eddie will take the loss here, and Chavo will go all mental on him.
Winners : The Bashams
Kane vs. Shane McMahon
It’s time for the monthly “Shane Falls Off Something Very High” spot…probably. Normal wrestling logic dictates that the face will win the blowoff match after a heated feud like this is supposed to have been… but when the face is a part-time wrestler and the owner’s son, what good does that do the heel? Kane’s been messed around enough without jobbing out to Shane.
Kane’s monster heel push SHOULD start here. Kane goes over, and goes on to feud with Goldberg over the World Heavyweight Title for next month’s PPV and possibly rematch at the Rumble. Of course, what SHOULD happen and what will happen may well turn out to be two different things. I think Shane will do the right thing though. I hope…
Winner : Kane
Survivor Series Elimination Match:
(Austin’s GM Spot vs. Physicality Rule)
Booker T, Shawn Michaels, Bubba Ray Dudley, D-Von Dudley, Rob Van Dam
Randy Orton, Christian, Chris Jericho, Scott Steiner, Mark Henry
So, it’s come down to this… Austin must trust 5 other peeps if he is to remain as GM. If Bischoff wins, it’s all over for Austin. Much in the same way it’s all over for Stephanie. Why do the WWE think we care about these GM matches? All we need is someone to make the match, act a bit heel-ish/face-ish and that’s IT. Heyman’s role on SmackethDown is perfect.
But if we have to watch this match, let’s get Henry and Steiner out first. I see the Bookerman being the last Team Austin member, and Randy Orton surviving from Team Bisch… Orton seems to be the Golden Boy at the moment, with the exception of Batista, so I predict Orton to take the win, Austin to leave officially… for now. Look for a short break by Austin to go and promote his book, then a return in some capacity.
Winners : Team Bischoff (survivor Randy Orton)
Survivor Series Elimination Match:
Brock Lesnar, Matt Morgan, Nathan Jones, The Big Show, A-Train
Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, John Cena, Bradshaw, Hardcore Holly
Team Lesnar is really, really, REALLY big. And that’s about all they have going for them from Lesnar down. Sure, Show has improved, but he’s still a big lump. A-Train? Pah! Nathan Jones is always gonna be Nathan Jones, no matter how many chances he gets, and Morgan is as yet, an untried commodity – but with a good reputation.
Bradshaw and Holly drag down Team Angle, to be honest. Holly should be nowhere near the WWE Title in any way, shape or form, and Bradshaw’s just there. Benny and Angle will carry this team, although Cena might take the chance to shine as well. I see Benoit taking the pin over Brock here.
Winners : Team Angle (survivor Chris Benoit)
Buried Alive Match
The Undertaker vs. Vince McMahon
BONG! … BONG! … that’s all we want! This match is more or less here to serve a purpose. Say what you like about Vince McMahon matches (and I usually do) but they without fail booked to perfection. There’s a clear plan laid out for the match, and it always follows that plan. Sure, Vince may not be a good wrestler, but he realises that, and the matches are booked accordingly.
Taker’s not exactly been setting the ring on fire, so at least this match keeps Taker away from anyone that IS good in the meantime. Vince is obviously gonna take the win here, but with how many run-ins? And will Steph return and turn heel? Who knows? Who, indeed, cares? Enjoy the match as a piece of ‘sports-entertainment’ but don’t expect a five star technical classic.
Winner : Vince McMahon
World Heavyweight Title Match
Goldberg vs. Triple H
I’m going to do the unthinkable… I’m going to bet against Trips on this one. I don’t think Trips is 100% healed from his multitude of injuries yet, which means there is not point in shoving him out into the spotlight as your (paper) World Champion. Goldbore hasn’t really DONE anything as Champion, but then again, he’s not been given a lot to work with, so it’s not truly fair to judge him yet.
Which is why I think that Goldbore will come out of this ‘monumental’ classic with the belt. As strange as it may seem, I don’t see Trips winning this. It may be a DQ involving Evolution, but Triple H WILL NOT win. I don’t hold out a lot of hope for this match, to be honest… 2000-era Trips might have been able to drag a decent performance out of The Bald One, but not the 2003-era Trips. Ho-hum.
Winner : Goldberg
So there we go – it’s SURVIVOR SERIES, BABY!!! WHOOOO! Be excited, be very excited for NO apparent reason! YEAH! Tajiri-Noble will steal the show, but Cena might just be the breakthrough performer of the night… we’ll see.
Until Monday, have fun, go mad.
Sign up for The Live Wire mailing list – have this column mailed straight to you!