Well, hello. It’s the second last column of the year, it’s nearly Christmas, and it’s time for The Live Wire to infringe upon your Christmas spirit and make a fool of itself at your Christmas party – lock up your photocopiers!
Thanks for your emails and comments about last week’s 200th column – if you’ve emailed and not had a reply, I will get to you this week – I was snowed under with messages, believe it or not. Tune in sometime 2004 for the 240th column spectacular! If I’m not dead or anything, natch…
Anyways, with it being Christmas, what better way to fill in some time… erm… be festive than whip up the usual Live Wire Christmas List – yes, where yours truly turns into Santa and gives out pressies galore. Who’s in and who’s out this year? Only one way to find out… yep, email your friend and asked if he’s reading this crap. NO! Only way to find out is to read on…
Goldberg : A lump of coal and a tangerine. It’s all he’s getting from me – with his contract, he should be giving ME presents… cheap-ass bald git.
Tommy Dreamer : 10 minutes airtime on Raw and a win. Oh wait, that’s not for him, that’s for ME! I’d give Tommy a nicely polished Singapore cane.
Jeff Jarrett : A nose job, so he can get a nose like HHH’s – then he’ll be a complete rip off… Failing that, an extra 5,000 PPV buys a week wouldn’t go amiss for TNA. And hey, it’s a present that never stops giving…
Theodore Long : MC Hammer’s Greatest Hits on CD… what? It would match the era his dancing came from, at least.
Vince McMahon : An alarm clock, and a Starbucks voucher. Why? So he can WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!!! Someone needs to enlighten Vince that not everybody wants to see All-McMahon TV, or him putting his tongue down whatever blonde bimbo takes his fancy this week.
The Big Show : Every toy that McDonalds have put in their Happy Meals over the past 5 years. Whaddya mean I’m supposed to get him something he’s not got already?
Eric Bischoff : A vat of Black Hair Dye #9.
Nidia : A nice pair of RayBan sunglasses, rather than those big things she’s wearing right now. Oh and more pairs of denim shorts that are at least one size too small for her… oh yes.
Rey Mysterio : Plastic surgery. Then he won’t need to wear that silly mask to hide his disfigured face! What?
Brock Lesnar : A neck. Seriously, he doesn’t have one! HOW CAN THIS MAN WRESTLE WITH NO NECK???
Triple H : Meh, what do you get the guy who has everything? Or when he loses it, gets it back again? CONSTANTLY. Know what I get him? We already got him a cookie sheet, and he <b>NEVER SAID THANK YOU</b>! I’d get Triple H a book on manners and etiquette. Whatever happened to that nice Hunter Hearst Helmsley that used to bow to everyone?
Roddy Piper : Some self-control.
Kevin Nash : A high interest rate for his savings account. He’s gonna need it if he’s waiting on a huge contract renewal in February. Kev – it’s been fun. Thanks for playing…
Chris Jericho : A nice chamois leather for that glass ceiling. Either that, or a “Whack U Like” token for one free contract killing of his choice…
Steve Austin : A six-pack. You figure out which kind.
Lex Luger : Acme’s ‘My First Chemistry Kit’.
Sean O’Haire, Rhyno, Kanyon, Ultimo Dragon : A ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card. Failing that, nude pics of Stephanie and some form of farm animal. Probably the only way they’ll end up getting a decent push in this lifetime.
Randy Orton : Some muscle relaxing spray, to get that smug grin off his face – it’s been there nearly SIX months solid now, it must be damn near killing him!
Chris Benoit : A World Title. I fear the only way that it will happen is if Vince McMahon turns the booking over to The Internet…
Vince Russo : A big sign that says “I’m Still Alive – Give A Damn About Me!”
Shawn Michaels : A lie down. This must be a busy time of year, what with him being the new Messiah, and all…
Ric Flair : Some blood pressure medication. I’m beginning to fear for his health, his face seems to go redder and redder every week! Oh, and a big badge that says “Whoooo! I’m still The Man”
And to me : Something from my wishlist – hey, it’s Christmas – I gotta try! I gotta!
And finally… to everyone who reads this rubbish week after week : A Merry Christmas!
Tune in next week for… The Live Wire End Of Year Awards 2003! Exciting, huh?
Until next time, have fun, go mad.
Tony Cottam
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