Well, hello. Welcome to the first column of 2004 – who knows, if you peeps get lucky, it might be the last! YEAH! Optimism already! Anyways, enough of this wallowing in the mire of self pity that seems to have encapsulated me for most of my adult life…
It’s 2004, and that means it’s time for the usual guff called “A Year In Wrestling”
(note to any remaining Billy Gunn fans out there – this is called ‘parody’ – it means that it’s a joke and probably won’t happen. Probably.)
JANUARY
Kevin Nash Watch : Month 1 – Freshly unemployed, Nash decides to try a new career track. He gets a job as Security Guard at his local shopping emporium. Well, he would… had he not jabbed himself with the badge while putting on his uniform, contracting blood poisoning and been unable to work for 4 weeks.
Jeff Jarrett defeats the entire NWA X Division Roster in a gauntlet match. TNA owner Jarrett claims it does their image good to be in the ring with the NWA World Champion.
Ultimo Dragon is spotted buying a cup of coffee before the Velocity tapings begin – confirming rumours that he IS still employed.
FEBRUARY
Kevin Nash Watch : Month 2 – Nash’s job hunt continues. Well, it would… had he not caught a computer virus while surfing the ‘Net looking for work. Nash needed his hard disk reformatted and was unable to work for 3 weeks.
Nathan Jones finally comments on his infamous departure from the WWE in late 2003. He says they asked him to do all sorts of inhumane things and unnatural acts… such as wrestling a match with no mistakes. In light if his treatment, he had no option but to quit.
Big Show defends his US Title at last. He pins Funaki in 9 seconds to retain the title for another 6 months.
MARCH
Kevin Nash Watch – Month 3 : Kevin sits down to write his autobiography, in light of his current and ongoing unemployment. Well, he would… only he sliced open his finger with a paper cut while writing the title on the first page. He’ll be unfit to do anything for 3 weeks.
WrestleMania moment : Hulk Hogan is not invited to participate at this year’s flagship event… A camera does however, spot a hot dog seller with a bald head, long blonde hair, bad fake tan and a very bushy moustache wearing a “Screw McMahon” pin badge.
Jeff Jarrett, meanwhile, claims that the WWE is stale and reliant on Triple H dominating too much. He said this as he cut a promo mid-match in his successful title defence against Raven, AJ Styles and Abyss.
APRIL
The post WrestleMania surprise turns out not to be Kevin Nash, as widely rumoured – but Edge. The big surprise? His teeth only blinded 5 people in the audience instead of the regulation 7. WWE management are said to be upset Edge let himself go in his year long absence.
Kevin Nash watch : Month 4 – Nash phones Vince to try and resolve their differences. Well… he would, had he not strained a ligament in his finger dialling Vince’s number. Nash was laid up for 4 weeks.
Triple H loses the World Heavyweight Title. HA! Just kidding! April Fool!
MAY
Chris Jericho’s latest album release storms into the charts inside the top 10. Jericho says he may give up wrestling to become a huge rock star. Triple H suggested he do that a long time ago, but nobody listened to him… truly, the man is a visionary.
Mark Henry remains employed with the WWE.
Kevin Nash Watch : Month 5 – Nash realises that a return to the WWE probably isn’t a good idea, and abandons plans to call Vince. He decides to take a holiday. Well… he would, but as he’s walking up the stairs to the plane, the door catches a gust of wind, swings shut and knocks his hair out of place. It takes 2 weeks for Nash to recover fully.
JUNE
Kevin Nash Watch : Month 6 – Nash remains upbeat despite his injury hell. His hair is cleaner than ever and he feels ready to rock. Well… he would. But he strained the ligaments in his elbow washing out the 7th application of conditioner in his hourly hair wash.
Eric Bischoff stuns the world by announcing his hair is in fact, dyed. Bisch makes the announcement as he gets dowsed in beer by Steve Austin for the 715th time in just under a year, and a little streak of black runs down his face, revealing his ‘secret’ for all to see. The locker room is said to be pretty much underwhelmed by this revelation.
Shawn Michaels walks across water on a tour of Europe.
JULY
David Blaine retires from showbiz, after claiming he can’t top Shane McMahon’s show-stealing dive from the top of the Empire State Building onto Test at this month’s PPV. Blaine cryptically says “it’s all about the magic, sha-zam…”
Bill Goldberg? Who?
Kevin Nash Watch – Month 7. Kevin stays in bed constantly this month, and avoids injury. Well… he would, but a mosquito bit him and he broke out in a nasty rash. 3 weeks of bed rest prescribed.
AUGUST
Joanie Laurer realises that she has no talent, no career path, and that she’s generally useless. The rest of the world realised this some 2 years ago.
Billy Gunn makes his 14th comeback of the year by winning a battle royal on Smackdown to capture the “Most Likely To Fall Over And Injure Himself” Title, newly created this month.
Kevin Nash Watch : Month 8 – Nash is watching Smackdown, and realises Billy Gunn has his title! Nash slaps himself on the forehead, giving himself concussion and a 3 week lay-off.
SEPTEMBER
Kevin Nash Watch : Month 9 – Nash is asked to do a phone interview for WrestlingObserverLive – he agrees to do it, he wants to get his name back out in the wrestling scene. The interview went well… well, it would have had he not sprained ligaments in his jaw as he said hello. Nash will be out of action for 2 weeks.
Rhyno claims his first win of the year on Velocity. “It was never our intention to make Rhyno look bad, despite the rumours” says a source in the WWE creative team. Rhyno’s win? Against Ultimo Dragon, who is still here.
Triple H plans to re-record Jeff Jarrett’s old theme music with Motorhead. “I chose ‘Ain’t I Great?’ because it fits me… erm, I mean my character perfectly” said Triple H as he prepared to overdub Lemmy’s vocals and bass tracks at the studio.
OCTOBER
Kevin Nash Watch : Month 10 – WrestlingObserverLive attempt to resume their interview with Nash. His jaw holds up fine. However, when they introduce Nash, his eardrums perforate, causing him to be out of action for 4 weeks.
Shawn Michaels heals a leper on a tour of the Far East.
A momentous moment in Wrestling History occurs this month – Paul Heyman goes to the shops, does his weekly shopping, and pays by cheque – and it DOESN’T BOUNCE!!!
NOVEMBER
Kevin Nash Watch : Month 11 – Nash asks a friend to phone Vince for him, fearing a reprisal of his phone based injuries. His friend does the deed, and Nash is offered a job on creative again, which he accepts by blinking twice to his friend. Sadly, the blinking caused a fractured eye socket, and Nash will miss 3 weeks.
TNA claim they will have their TV deal in place by the end of next week.
Ultimo Dragon, Rhyno, Sean O’Haire, Kanyon and Funaki all rebel against the bookers as they declare themselves sick of the way they’ve been treated. They barge into Vince McMahon’s office, and have a full and frank 90 minute discussion, during which Vince finally establishes that they do in fact work for him.
DECEMBER
Kevin Nash Watch : Month 12 – Nash takes his place on the Creative Staff of the WWE – and we managed to get this exclusive transcript of how his first day went:
The office eagerly awaits his entrance – suddenly there’s a knock at the door followed by a muffled “AAAGH!”
Vince opens the door, and Nash is stood there holding his hand…
Nash : “I think I broke my knuckles on the door, Vince”
Vince : “Never mind that now, Kevin, we’ll get it sorted, come on in, we’re just starting”
Nash walks to the table, narrowly avoiding pulling a muscle on the way. As he sits down there’s a large crack
Nash : “Awww, crap – I think I just broke my tailbone. Are these chairs padded?”
Vince : “ummm, no, they’re steel chairs, Kevin”
Nash : “I need padded chairs. Injuries, y’know”
Vince : “We’ll get some Kevin. Coffee?”
Nash : “Please! No sugar, I’m working out”
An un-named minion pours coffee and hands it to Nash.
Nash : “AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!”
Nash has spilt boiling coffee down himself, and burnt himself badly.
Meeting over.
So there we go… remember, some of these things might not happen… but then again, you never know.
Until then, have fun, go mad.
Thanks for reading – be sure and pay a visit to these two sweet sites :
Tony Cottam
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