Well, hello. Welcome to The Live Wire, the column that is called… um… The Live Wire. OK, so it’s not one of my snappiest, wittiest intros, but it’s certainly one of the most truthful, and that’s what counts, right?
Anyway, in a shock revelation, this week’s column shall be one that is full of little nuggets, none of which are interesting enough, nor long enough to be padded out into a full column – otherwise known as a ‘RANDOM THOUGHTS COLUMN’ – yeah, baby!
Jim Ross, brush up on your geography! I know that Americans in general have a hard time understanding the way the UK works (hey – I live here, and sometimes it confuses the hell outta me) but Scotland IS a part of The United Kingdom – so announcing a Smackdown tour of ‘The UK and Scotland’ isn’t big, nor is it clever. You know, Mr. Ross – I could swear that you don’t give a damn about ‘all the great fans’ in Britain after all. I might even have to wonder about The Fink next time he tells us that we’re the best audience in the world.
Does Ernest Miller actually have a point? I mean, really? OK, he can shuffle his feet about a bit, and he has shiny red shoes, but really – do the WWE want to put a spotlight on a man that neglects speaking to his mother? Why should we call your momma, Ernest? Can’t you do it yourself? What if your momma’s ill? Do you call her then?
But as, usual, I get carried away. However, on a serious note – Smackdown can find 3 minutes or whatever it is for The Cat – but no time for Sean O’Haire or Ultimo Dragon… shame on you Vincent McMahon – shame on you.
Chris Benoit! WHY did they switch him to Raw? There are thousands of arguments as to why he should have stayed on Smackdown – such as by jumping to Raw, he’s just there to job to HHH at WrestleMania; by jumping to Raw, he’s depriving the world of more Angle vs. Benoit classics; by jumping to Raw he’s further overloading the number of talented peeps Smackdown has lost to Raw… but by far, the most compelling argument I have against his switch is simple.
By jumping to Raw, Chris Benoit will not be on the Smackdown tour of the UK – which in turn means that I WON’T GET TO SEE HIM!!! Now if that’s not the most compelling and definitive argument against a Benoit roster switch, then hell, I don’t know what is!
Will Hardcore Holly ever grow up and stop trying to knock the living bejeebies out of people, just because they’re new to the WWE? Actually, consider that a rhetoric question, as I already know the answer. You can safely file THAT question along with ‘Will Billy Gunn ever be good?’ and ‘Will The Big Show ever defend the US title?’
Speaking of The Big Show, I see the latest news hints that he may have problems with his knees – well, I can exclusively reveal that the problem is he hasn’t seen them since high school.
Just how good was Mick Foley’s promo on Raw last week? Foley has this knack of captivating your attention when he’s on screen, even if he’s not doing all the crazy hardcore stuff he used to. The promo he cut on Randy Orton was a thing of beauty, as it not only built the feud up, explained away his actions of previous weeks, and let new viewers know of Mick Foley’s history, but at the same time it made Randy Orton seem like the most important guy in the WWE.
Orton has had the Legend Killer tag for a while now, but nobody really bought into it – now, with Foley coming back, cutting THAT promo and making Orton the focal point of his return, Orton now seems like a big deal. Orton’s always has charisma to spare, he’s just lacked the legitimacy in the ring – something he’s gained in recent weeks in the Rumble match, against RVD a few weeks back, and even on Monday’s Raw in an epic six man tag.
For a company that isn’t known for it’s elevation of people, in the past 6 months, we’ve seen Randy Orton, John Cena, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Benoit and to an extent, ‘Big Dave’ Batista put in a position where it’s up to them to take the next step up. Programming Orton with someone like Foley, and in close proximity to Flair can only put him in pole position, ahead of John Cena, to be the legit ‘Next Big Thing’.
Wasn’t it a little too obvious that it was Chavo who attacked Eddie in the men’s toilets? At least, I hope it was the men’s toilets… otherwise, that’s a WHOLE different angle, I don’t even wanna contaminate my brain with.
Getting back to whatever semblance of a point I had, it’s just too easy to put 2 and 2 together and come up with Chavo… erm, I mean 4. All signs point to Chavo jumping Eddie to try and get his spot in the Smackdown Rumble… but no! NO, says I. I say – it was KURT! Yes, folks, Your Olympic Hero will soon be earning his “You Suck” chant all over again by being the man behind the attack – and he may even cost him his title at No Way Out, therefore setting up Kurt Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero at WrestleMania – worth the price of admission alone, surely! Remember – you read it here first, folks.
And while we’re talking about Eddie getting beaten up, wasn’t it great to see Fit Finlay still getting some TV time? Even if it is just trying to split up Rey and Chavo… I remember Dave ‘Fit’ Finlay getting public warning after public warning, and generally being a Not Nice Man. If you’re not of a certain age group and not from the UK, that will mean NOTHING to you. Don’t worry about it – EASY! EASY! EASY! EASY!
Tazz and Michael Cole continue to be both the best WWE commentators right now, and the best comedy double act since… well, two people that were very funny. Actual technicalities escape me right now.
It’s worth watching Smackdown right now just to hear Tazz’s little sarcastic quips at Cole’s expense – like last week, when Nidia’s sight ‘returned’ – Cole : “Maybe Nidia’s trip on Jamie Noble at the Royal Rumble wasn’t an accident!” – Tazz : “gee, y’think?”
Long live the Tazz! Long may Brooklyn’s shortest man lay verbal beatings on to Michael Cole. Having said that, Cole has improved a HELL of a lot. Granted, he couldn’t get any worse. If he did, he’d be Josh ‘Later Days!’ Matthews.
And on that note, my friends, and most probably some enemies, I shall bid you farewell for this week…
Until then, have fun, go mad.
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