I’ve been meaning to do this. Really, I have. But since the break from school has reawakened my creative outlook, I figured I should do a review of this show as I watch it, considering I’ve only briefly watched through it maybe twice as a whole. The good thing about this is I finally get to see if Teddy Hart is what he’s worth, or if he is the biggest joke ever. So here goes.
The first match is the gauntlet match for the number one contendership to the CZW Tag Team titles. CKNY, Corey Kastle and Niles Young decide to come out in DJ Hyde’s wrestling attire. Despite the rat’s screams, they’re still not anything short of appealing, except for the CKY crowd. Hyde and Merc come out to challenge, but Merc is quickly dissipated by the incredible shrinking man known as Jude. It’s the destruction of Merc as Hyde rolls around in Arik Cannon’s wardrobe, size XXXL. The DRS are next, looking strangely like the long lost brothers of the Christopher Street Connection. Two piledrivers on CKNY and they win, waiting for the mystery team…. which turns out to be everyone’s favorite team, the H8 Club. Before that we are graced with a promo by the DRS, which thankfully is stopped with the H8 Club music being played. I watch this and I’m just wondering two things… what diet is Gage and Jude on, because I want in. And does Nate Hatred know he’s going bald?…Badly.
H8 Club win, predictably and out come the champions, Rebel’s Army. Danny Rose gets thrown into the guardrail. I miss the Rachies… oh, back to the match. Now there is a 3 on 2, which gets evened up by the spear of the bulbous Ron Hartog. So poor, Derek Frazier, stuck being the whipping boy for Rebel’s Army is left along with Gage and Hatred. It’s a basic ass kicking by the two “monsters” as Frazier is put through a stacked table for the win.
BJ Whitmer vs. Jimmy Jacobs
I always thought BJ was bigger than this, but he’s facing Jimmy Jacobs, everyone’s favorite gimmick. I love the Barbaric Berserker gimmick, I’m not going to lie, but the more matches of him I see, the more he’s all gimmick and very little substance. But storyline wise, Jimmy’s lost his manager, Becky, who was kidnapped by Blackout, so he’s looking a little lost (cue the “aww”). But everyone must fear the furry boots, because they OWN! BJ hits a powerbomb on Jimmy, who lands on the guardrail. The domination over Jimmy by Whitmer continues. Suddenly, Becky appears out of nowhere…. how she got away, we will never know, since this was the last show before Jimmy and Becky split from CZW. Jimmy notices Becky is back, and the Berserker gets his strength back. Missed Contra Code, manager interference, heel attacks face manager, and the face manager gets over by DDTing the heel. Despite that, the destruction of Jimmy by Whitmer continues. He ends it with an Exploder on Jacobs. But more importantly the lovebirds are back together. A kiss and they get to leave. Now…. the interesting stuff begins.
Trent Acid “return”
Well….the man that causes the Philly rats to swoon has returned. I used swoon… Jesus Christ. Unfortunately he is looking at lot less on the attractive side and more on the “needs a hit” side. But he does do a funny imitation of Teddy Hart, which makes me smile. He talks about the CZW awards, in which he was awarded the “Best Wrestler” in the company. Zandig, of course, comes out and hopefully he is actually audible. He of course puts his boy over, and Teddy comes out, and does the usual flippy stuff, much to my boredom, but the delight of the crowd. Hart basically tells Acid he’s the best wrestler of 2003, not 2004, and then insults his dear uncle’s name by using his infamous catchphrase. More trash talking from the rich boy Hart and the “boy who had nothing “Acid, which sets up the match. And if Acid doesn’t win, he won’t work for the company ever again. Hart tries to chicken out, which results in Zandig screaming and threatening Hart, which is basically usual Zandig behaviour. At least he didn’t manage to add CZ f’n W somewhere in there. It finally ends with Trent taking out his hair from the ponytail, and removing his shirt, which of course causes my inner ring rat to giggle with glee.
Grim Reefer vs. Nick Berk vs. Chris Cash
Reefer isn’t a regular member of the CZW roster, he just does shows for them here and there. Poor Nick Berk though. God forbid he can ever get over. He’s actually on the decent work rate scale. And finally Chris Cash, whose new name should be the Ladder King, just sometimes blinds me with his paleness. But he’s one of those that one could consider to be a future superstar. As I watch this, I have the munchies ready. I blame Reefer. Seriously I feel bad for these opener guys. It’s so hard to watch it sometimes. Cash throws a ladder in. Let this boy wrestle without a damn ladder. But the boy wins with the ladder. Poor Chris. But he’s a swoon worthy in the making, which might help him out at Philly shows.
Joker vs. Jon Dahmer: Xtreme Strong Style Tourney
Before this start’s Blackout comes out as a whole, with their wigger manager Robbie “I pretend I’m Spanish so the Truth doesn’t come out” Mireno. He’s such a moron. It’s really great as a gimmick. He does the usual intro for Blackout, first with Sabian, who looks like the lost black Keebler elf. Then Ruckus, who is looking a lot less round, and then introducing one of my personal Jesi (plural for Jesus – thank you Mitchell for that saying), Joker. Out comes Jon Dahmer, who can’t decide whether he’s a scary makeup guy or a boxer, alongside Big Mac Smack, the human bus. Joker takes the face mask off, scaring the living hell out of me.
They lock up, and chain wrestle a little. Dahmer blocks Joker’s rolling clutch There goes the finger and the spitting at the opponent by Joker, and the stiffness should begin… YAY! And now it’s back to mat work, and a Triangle Choke~! But as I watch this, I wonder how Big Mac Smack isn’t dead yet. Spinal Bifida Kicks are ownage, and then Dahmer’s fed to the wolves. Poor Mac, he waddles over to try to help his friend out. Back in the ring, Dahmer butchers the Kata Hajime. God I’m hoping for Taz to come out and suplex the hell out of everyone. I see the Straight Jacket Suplex…and Joker takes down his singlet. Dude you rule, but you are not swoon material yet. I still don’t know if you’re even black yet. Dahmer manages to get the finisher, but of course being the heel manager, Mireno comes out to the apron and distracts him. Smack waddles over to get the rest of Blackout and poor Dahmer gets put in the Rolling Clutch. And for some unknown reason, Wifebeater, everyone’s favourite retarded hillbilly, comes out. This is strangely amusing given it’s a hillbilly redneck beating the hell out of black guys. As commotion ensues, the bell rings, because in the middle of commotion, Joker wins… YAY! Actually boo.. I shouldn’t like the heels… I need to go back to my mark days. I’m so jaded. But on to the next match.
Chikara Six Man~~~!!!
The Wildcards, Hallowicked & Jigsaw vs. Grand Akuma Icarus, Mike Quakenbush & Mr. Zero
For those who do not know. Chikara is ownage (I think I’m using that saying a little too much). This six man, as are all Chikara tag matches, is done in modified Lucha rules. So if your partner is out of the ring, you can jump right on in. You can also tag the turnbuckle as well too. First off Mr. Zero might be added to my personal idols list. If you can mix business with wrestling you are cool. Icarus has pretty hair and Quack chants abound. Grand Akuma and Eddie Kingston of the Wildcards starts off. No matter how hard he tries, he still can’t shut up. But he looks like a shiny marshmallow so he amuses me. Kingston tags in Hallowicked, and Akuma leaves the ring so now Quack will get in the ring… black t-shirt wearers unite! Sorry moment of randomness. This is flippyness I love. Domino DDT… awesomeness… god I hope I don’t get sued by the WWE for that. Gargiulo uses a lot of Japanese words and I’m so lost sometimes. But Quack, Akuma, Icarus and Mr. Zero won so yay~!
Arik Cannon vs. Danny Maff
Seriously Cannon is really the epitome of the red headed step-child. Yes, book him against a guy that is a good 7 inches bigger than him, in addition to 100 lbs heavier. Yes, he is getting fed to the wolves. Maff is so scary… he’s what the DRS aspire to be, a scary straight Latino male. Cannon gets chopped, and I believe he just got some colour. Cannon doing the usual scared heel bit, but it might not be acting. God, Cannon slaps Maff, and gets kicked in the back so hard I think he’s paralysed. Oh good, Cannon can walk… and now I turn to see Cannon getting his life chopped out of him, whip low-blow, forearm… IWA forever baby. Great work on the injured arm of Maff by Cannon, Jujigatame by Cannon on Maff, but before that he had a modified Wakitagame on, and I swear he looked like one of those little kids you see at the mall who ride the pony and spaceship rides for a quarter. Consistent work by Cannon on the arm/elbow work, and I continue thinking why this dude doesn’t get more bookings. And the head drops shall commence. Glimmering Warlock by Cannon, which is really the shining enzugiri , but to WWE fans its that pathetic attempt that Gregory “Hurricane” Helms does which is allegedly to them a Shining Wizard. But poor Cannon can’t catch a break and is dropped on his head again so Maff can get the win. He looks like he needs a hug.
CZW Cruiserweight Title Match
Roderick Strong vs. Petey Williams vs. Sonjay Dutt
I don’t care what anyone says… Petey owns Teddy Hart and Jack Evans, Roderick Strong is the backbreaker king (but he is on the getting swoonworthy list) and Sonjay owns everyone (Hey, if I can get more girls into wrestling, I will use any method I see fit. And cute guys always help). Sonjay’s title is stolen, but he challenged the meanie who had the guts to do that. It’s the typical triangle match offence with the three competitors. I wonder if you poke Roderick’s belly will he say woo hoo. Okay now I’m just bordering on weird. Petey kicked Roderick in the face, Sonjay asai moonsaults onto the two who are hanging out in the crowd. More fighting and I’m just noticing the weird things, like Sonjay’s horrible 5 o’clock shadow. Also, the fact that he hasn’t danced in more than 10 minutes. Sonjay flips, jumps on Petey, Hurrancurana…Pin… kickout.. Roderick manages to pull a backbreaker out of nowhere. Flipping Piledriver by Petey!! That makes the Code Red look a million times cooler. CxO2 is still cool… Crucifix powerbomb position into a diamond cutter by Roderick, but didn’t get the pin. And now it has managed to end with Sonjay spiking Petey. Now… I demand that you dance Sonjay! Dance! I get a dancing and a promo!!! But the lights go out… what the hell? Is Sabu coming? A chair hits, the lights come on and Sonjay isn’t dancing… Screw you all.
Ron Hartog vs. Rocking Rebel
First we get a snob and a fat chick, and now Rebel. Methuselah, better known as Frank Talent, a Midget and Ron Hartog comes out. Now we have Rick Feinberg come out in a bra and boxers, wanting to be the ring card girl. Oh how fiction is sooo close to reality, but to the ROH faithful, RF thought that was a girl, and also thought she was legal. Lets just say this sucked, went too long, and Hartog needs to put his shirt back on. That’s too much breast for T.V.
A.M.I.L. vs. Ruckus & Sabian
So now the other two wrestling members of Blackout come out and now were treated to more of the Mireno talking. He entertains me, but the pink shirt has got to go. And now Amil, All Money is Legal comes out, and God if the rap generation hasn’t spawned enough bad things, this gimmick they pull is worse, even though they’re a great duo. But K-Murda and K-Pusha?! And now the match finally begins, even though the black on black match bugs Mireno. Mucho flippy stuff. But its Ruckus and Sabian so its going to be flippy stuff by nature. Sabian needs to stop stealing Joker’s shrunken pants. Razzle Dazzle I see, and more flippyness. Double team maneuver by A.M.I.L.. “the stick up”… and black people wonder why they have such problems in wrestling. Sabian doesn’t impress me… oh well. Now the flippyness has made me lose my attention. AMIL hits their finisher… impressive. Joker comes out and punches people in the face and Joker Drivers one of them. Actually, on the good shot of Joker’s face, I still can’t tell if he’s black but meh (answers on a postcard if you can help me)… he might hit the slightly appealing other than his wrestling. But I can’t go full rat. That would totally screw me up.
Chris Hero vs. Jimmy Rave
Let me get this out…*breathes* OH MY GOD, THERE IS MY SAVIOUR CHRIS F’N HERO!!! WOOO~!!!!*breathe* Alright… It’s genius to give this man a mic. Silent forever but, give him a gimmick, let him have fun with the internet dorks like me who worship the ground he walks on, and its entertainment for all. Jimmy Rave comes out, and the girls in the arena give their squeal of approval. No more flippishness and now there is some wrestling. For those who can’t really get the Hero style of wrestling, this is a man that worships Robbie Brookside and Johnny Saint. If there is a move he knows, he knows ninety different ways to apply it. Sweetness of wrestling with Rave and Hero, and on another note, Rave has a personality goddamit, its just subdued. I would sit here and mention every part of the match, but honestly its hard to do, with all the goodness. I would make some joke about it, but I can’t but its one of my favourite wrestlers and for the love of god he could do no wrong. And he, Chris Hero, wins. Yay.
Wifebeater vs. Adam Flash
Good God, why does the hillbilly come out to Kool G Rap? What kind of chips does he plan to eat this show? And why isn’t he in a deathmatch? I thought he couldn’t wrestle. But I’m surprised… he can collar elbow tie up with Flash. And a fireman’s carry? Shouldn’t this be one of the seven signs of the Apocalypse. Mac Smack’s out again, but with Wifebeater. I’m surprised he didn’t have a heart attack between matches, but sources say he had an Easter dinner in between matches. And now the trash cans come out. I guess wrestling makes Wifebeater’s head hurt. Its all the thinking I tell you. And for some reason, we have superwedgie and removal of underwear. Since this company caters to teenage boys, of course, they get stapled to his head. Hey, Flash is bloody, Wifebeater should be too. Ian Knoxx comes out and hits Flash with a chair. Angry former partner syndrome, and Wifebeater wins.
Teddy Hart vs. Trent Acid
If you don’t think Hart has some of the most stupidest ring attire in wrestling, you are a moron. No straight man should wear orangey paisley Adidas track pants. And The Chase hits and the rats scream for their lives, which is promptly followed by them sticking money down his pants. Hey, any way to get a buck, but sometimes it looks like going in Trent’s pants is the only action some of these girls ever get. I miss the silver pants. Black is so not him.
Teddy Hart is disgustingly over. Well Philly fans wonder why they are often called spoiled, but onto the match. Early stalling by Hart, as it finally starts. Roundhouse by Teddy Hart, as the crowd is audibly divided as the “Lets go Teddy” and “Let’s go Acid” chants fill the arena. .The commentators start to put both men over, which is expected. And now they start to wrestle. Now Trent has some holes in his offence, which doesn’t help with the constant use of rest holds in the beginning. Teddy bitch-slapped Trent. Well that killed all the crowd noise. And now another Loose Cannon reference. I’m sorry Brian Pillman… he’s ruining your good name and gimmick. And now Teddy talks and he basically wants the match to go out into the streets and all.
Seriously, two white guys in South Philly? But Trent’s game so he’s all for it, and Hart has a sudden change of heart, pun intended. Now Teddy hits Trent with a chair, and the Lethal Injection, or to most of us the Shooting Star Press. It’s pretty, but not as pretty as Paul London’s. I feel so dirty for even saying that. And Teddy continues to talk. He really can’t shut up at all. Teddy continues dominating on Trent, who just gets spiked for a pin fall attempt. Teddy promos, shoots on Zandig and of course the ever popular Zandig phrase of motherf’cker ends up being the only audible thing the entire night. But it manages to get outside and I think every member of czwfans.com is outside cheering like little schoolgirls.
Car pulls up out of nowhere and Trent starts beating the up some kid after tossing Hart on the car. Acid moonsaults off the car onto Hart, and a powerbomb by Hart on Acid, off the car, through a table that was set up next to it.
At least if Teddy gets lost his day glow stripes on his pants will help us find him. Trent looks dead, aww, the poor girls would never be the same again. Hart carries Trent back into the arena, throws him down, and hits him in the back with a coffee urn. Zandig is still screaming for Trent to get up. Was it me or wasn’t it like four months ago where Zandig was facing him at Cage of Death 5? Teddy brings enemies together.
Teddy tries to pin Trent again, but the resilient face bit kicks in and he by the grace of god kicks out. And the fans are back on Trent’s side. Another chair comes into play. Hart Rate on Acid, but he couldn’t get the pin, so he decides to take a seat. Trent gets up, attempts the Yakuza kick, which still isn’t believable, but ends up in a reversed hurrancurana by Hart onto a chair. Another pin by Teddy but he can’t get the win. Teddy grabs another chair, and threatens to hit Trent but Zandig walks in takes the chair, and distracts Hart. Surprisingly Zandig doesn’t hit him but throws the chair and Teddy turns, with chair in hand to get met with the Yakuza kick, the second most overused move in wrestling next to the crevate. Trent wins and the pro Teddy crowd hates it. God bless, Trent is back. Zandig comes in as Trent celebrates, puts over the company and the bail. Teddy, who is still outside is getting cheered by the crowd more than Trent as he leaves the arena. Trent won the match, and Teddy, hasn’t shown me anything except he will continue to yap, only until his brain decides to explode.
Well I can be a smartass and make all the snide, random comments I want, but CZW gave its usual show of high flying spots, Zandig airtime, Trent gyrations and of course another Robbie Mireno promo in which I’m glad he’s speaking for Blackout and not Ruckus. Don’t get me wrong, I like Ruckus, but he still needs promo work. I won’t give it some cheesy number rating, I’ll just say this, if you like a lot of high spots, you will like this show, between Chikara and Teddy you get it. If you like technical wrestling, you’ll get it with Hero/Rave and Cannon/Maff. Get it; you will get your use out of it.