After the shocking revelation that Vince’s bastard child is a MAN, SmackDown starts this week with Mr. McMahon and Coach. Coach runs down what we apparently know. He’s tall. He’s intelligent. He likes make peoples life a living hell. He’s white. Coach says this matches nobody which cues Kane. Vince says Kane isn’t his son. Coach says he has Vince’s eye. Kane says his "Dad" wasn’t there when he did lots of stuff including lighting his first fire or killing his first squirrel. He doesn’t want money or gifts. He wants Finlay. Vince makes Finlay vs Kane for SummerSlam.
Next up is Chris Masters. Masters has a picture of himself when he was 15 with Vince. He then says he’ll take Kane on in a Masterlock Challenge. Masters stalls and Kane says he’ll put the lock on Masters. Kane then chokeslams Masters. Vince rips the picture. But it’s not over… cue Chuck Palumbo on his bike. Vince makes a match.
Chris Masters vs Chuck Palumbo
Palumbo takes control to begin until Masters drops him neck first on the ropes. He hits a legdrop before being blocked from attempting the Masterlock. Palumbo hits a clothesline and a right before a suplex and a big boot. He picks up Masters onto his shoulder face up and flips him down to the canvas in what’s called the "Full Throttle". It’s over.
Winner – Chuck Palumbo by pinfall. Glorified squash.
Chavo Guerrero vs Funaki
Chavo brings out Head wearing a black Rey mask. Chavo takes control to begin with some scoop slams. JBL says he’s the best colour commentator in wrestling history and Cole replies with "that’s why I saw Tazz on Raw." Funaki hits a headscissors before capitalising with a bulldog and an enziguri. Chavo knocks Funaki off the top rope and he lands with his knee on the top rope. Chavo attacks and wraps Funaki’s leg around the ring post. I guess he got DQed. He attacks Funaki some more and puts the Rey mask on him. He puts Funaki’s leg on the steps and hits it with a chair.
Jimmy Wang Yang vs Jamie Noble – Cruiserweight Title #1 Contenders match
Noble checks under the ring for Hornswoggle. Yang gets a 2 count from a standing moonsault and another two from a rollup. Noble takes control with a legdrop before locking his legs around Yang’s midsection. Yang fights back with clotheslines but get a boot in the corner. Noble goes up top and gets kicked before taking a Hurricanrana for 2. Yang misses the moonsault allowing Noble to hit the GTS like move with both knees to Yang’s gut for the 3 count.
Winner – Jamie Noble by pinfall. Good match if short. Noble hasn’t done anything to deserve a place in this match, but it makes sense having him challenge Hornswoggle.
Post match Noble goes all the way under the ring looking for the champ. As Noble walks up the entrance way, Hornswoggle comes out from under the apron. Noble looks ahead but clearly not at the titantron as he turns around just after Hornswoggle returns under the ring.
The boxing match from SNME is recapped. I loved that segment. They announce a basketball match for later.
Kristal wont let Teddy help her out with bikini for the bikini contest later on. MVP comes with a SmackDown basketball top on. MVP puts himself over. He says if he was under 200lbs, he’d be the cruiserweight champion, and soon he’ll be World Heavyweight Champion. Teddy asks him if he can win the tag titles all by himself. MVP says he could do it with Teddy’s grandma before saying he’ll do it with the next person who comes through the door. It’s Matt Hardy. Next week it’s Deuce and Domino vs MVP and Matt Hardy for the tag titles. Teddy says "ballin."
Vince talks to Chuck Palumbo backstage. Vince says he has a bike back home. Chuck says his dad was into bikes. Was because he was also into Jack Daniels at the same time so they had to peel him off the front of an 18 wheeler, which is mother was driving.
Deuce and Domino vs Eugene and Shannon Moore
Yes. Shannon gets a one on Deuce from a dropkick. Deuce then gets a one after flinging Moore off the top rope. Domino tags in and works Moore’s back with a backbreaker and scoop slam before tagging back to Deuce. Eugene tags in and does a full Hulk Hogan routine getting a 2 count off the legdrop. Eugene backdrops Moore onto Deuce over the top rope. Domino hits a heel kick on Eugene for the three count.
Winners – Deuce and Domino by pinfall. OK but short.
Matt Hardy vs MVP – Basket Ball Challenge.
Each basket is one point, and it’s first to eleven. The hoop is by the stage. JBL says "ballin" a lot. MVP has a clip on mic. Before it starts MVP puts himself over and misses a lay up. He says it’s not a NBA regulation floor and he’s not wearing his shoes. He then scores one before scoring what would be a 3 pointer. MVP gets the ball thrown at his face by Hardy who goes and scores. Deuce and Domino then run in and attack both men. This actually surprised me and makes for an interesting twist in the Hardy/MVP feud. So it’s not all bad that there is no Hardy vs MVP at SummerSlam.
Mark Henry vs Brad Allan(?)
Standard squash with powerslam etc ending in bearhug.
Winner – Mark Henry by TKO.
Mark is all like "what’s with the sand?" He doesn’t get intimidated – he intimidates. His name is Mark Henry and gong. This week’s video is even cooler than the others. The druids are still digging and this week they’ve found a crate. Inside are snakes and a Taker symbol. The crowd chant for "Taker" as the lights stay blue.
Cole is in the ring. He reminds us of the Diva Battle Royal #1 Contenders Match at SummerSlam. Here comes the SUMMER BIKINI CONTEST! It’s Victoria, Kristal, Michelle McCool and Torrie. They dance to the SummerSlam theme tune. Kristal has a nice pink stripey number. Yum. Michelle McCool has a nice shiny gold one. Yum Yum. I’m loving life now. Victoria has a nice black one piece. Her dancing is hilarious. Finally it’s Torrie in an even nicer shiny red one. JBL calls them all the possible next Mrs Layfield. Cole is about to ask the crowd who wins, when he introduces South Carolina’s own MAE YOUNG. Mammaries of the 2000 Royal Rumble come flooding back. Mae is wearing a dark blue one piece. Cole announces her as the winner. Victoria storms off as the other three try and stop Mae from revealing herself *shudder*
Batista vs Finlay
The first few minutes are stalemate until Finlay sends Batista to the outside. Batista catches Finlay as he jumps off the apron and sends him back first into hit. Finlay then drives Batista into the ring post. Khali then comes out as the show goes to break. Batista starts to fight back before Finlay takes him down with a drop toe hold. Finlay hits a dropkick for 2. Finlay keeps the advantage working Batista’s neck. Finlay comes off the middle rope and gets caught by Batista who throws him over the top rope. Batista rips up the announce table. Batista gets distracted by Khali allowing Finlay to kick him on the apron and hit a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Batista takes back control and goes for the Batista Bomb. Khali gets on the apron and Batista goes to him. The ref calls for the bell even though Khali didn’t touch Batista. Finlay gets a spinebuster but Batista gets a chop o’ doom. He block Khali’s claw and kicks him in the goolies before hitting a spear. Finlay then attacks Batista and sends him into the crowd barrier. Batista clotheslines Finlay and goes back after Khali. Refs and agents (including Malenko) pull Batista off a bleeding Khali as the show ends.