The Steel Cage

TSC: No Holds Barred

Being that its the Christmas/New Year period, I was considering penning a wonder, descriptive piece on Xanta Klaws (or whatever the hell he was called), Balls Mahoney’s favourite festive seasonal individual.
Instead, I decided not to. So, on with the show…as it were.
With Christmas just over, I remembered back to the good old days, when the Dukes of Hazzard (where a bunch of hillbilly cousins live together and fawn over their own relatives in short shorts) were cool, David Hasslehoff’s hair was bigger than any one member of the Jackson 5 and the A-Team were, apparently, for hire…IF you could find them.
On the wrestling front, all was well as Hulk Hogan was reigning as a two-time and greatest EVER World Wrestling Federation Entertainment world champion, and feuding with the President from the future in The Fifth Element.
Back in those days, the WWF only held 4 PPV’s per year, but this was to change for a one-off on December 27th, 1989 when they held a special PPV which featured the awesome classic 1989 Summer BLOCKBUSTER HIT, No Holds Barred, along with a No Holds Barred (see what they did there?) cage match involving Hulk Hogan and Brutus Bootyman Beefcake vs The Human Wrecking Machine Deebo and Randy ‘Macho Man’ Savage, third cousin of Lilly Savage so the rumours state.
First advertised at the 1989 Survivor Series, this was to be a special Christmastime treat for all the WWF fans stateside, and anybody lucky enough in the UK to have Sky TV at that time. (Like meeeeeee!)
I remember settling in for the greatest night of my young life. Before my very eyes, the movie No Holds Barred engrained itself in my memory with its severely talented array of cast members, headed by Hogan who became the biggest box office movie sensation over night with his portrayal of Rip, WWF Champion!
Whether he was acting out fighting scenes with the skill of a seasoned professional, or moving scenes where he held vigil at his fallen brothers (BROTHER!) bedside, he was a sight to behold, an awe inspiring performance which bagged him not 1, 2 or even 3 Oscars! WOW! (The final tally was zero).
After this, I was sure I couldnt handle any more pleasure and joy. I believe I had experienced my first boner, could I go on, and risk more by watching the greatest tag team cage encounter in pro wrestling history? Of course I could!
The match started with Hogan and Beefcake totally dominating Zeus and Savage, smashing them off the sides of the cage, beating them down without mercy. It was fantastico!
Eventually the match turned into a back and forth affair, with both sides gaining the advantage and losing it. Beefcake managed to escape the cage, leaving Hogan alone with Savage and Zeus. Could this be the end of Hulkamania?! B*llocks to that! Hogan opened a can of the ass whip and drilled Zeus (not in the homosexual way) with 3 might leg drizzops to seal the win. Grand!
This was the blow off to the Hogan/Zeus feud which was originally slated to end as a one on one main event match for the WWF title at WrestleMania VI on the SkyDome in Toronto. If that had happened, no Hogan/Warrior!!! WTF?!
Thankyou, Hogan, for ridding the WWF of Zeus, just time to feud with Jim Hellwig, for this alone, we all owe you our lives. We shall start by sacrificing FrenchFries. That should be sufficient.
The End.