When it comes to car-crash TV, WWE are the masters. Dwarf skits, pec dancing, juvenile pranks, sex-crazed Punjabi giants – high jinks and silliness are never far away.
So it was no surprise that with Jerry Springer hosting the most recent episode of Raw, a mock-up of the veteran broadcasters’ havoc-heaped, screech-infested, secret-revealing tabloid talk show took place.
The false premise was that blonde beauty Kelly Kelly had been impregnated but she was unsure as to which man’s implement had done the damage. A menagerie of potential fathers stepped forward including Italian stallion Santino Marella, Indian lothario The Great Khali and muscular Casanova Chris Masters, before it was revealed – through a stereotypical paternity test – that lively leprechaun Hornswoggle was the “dad.” Oh yeah, and for good measure Mr. Springer received a slimy smooch from antique temptress Mae Young at the programme’s culmination.
The entire bogus segment – littered with girl-on-girl shrieking, girl-on-girl brawling, accusations of transexuality and the inevitable howls of “Je-rry! Je-rry! Je-rry!” from superstars and fans alike – was the epitome of cringeworthy. A dour filling in an otherwise scrumptious Raw sandwich.
Because – sticking with that analogue – if the show that contoured the senseless Springer-presented shenanigans was bread, it would have been purchased from Harrods, or hand-kneaded for the Queen of England by her cornucopia of ever-willing minions, because it was of the highest calibre.
Each member of the Monday night brand’s Elimination Chamber battled a fellow cage-bound rival – a series of matches that began with Sheamus fighting Randy Orton.
The Irishman won via disqualification after Cody Rhodes yet again interfered in The Viper’s business, but that was just the start of the drama. Orton levelled his bout-coster with a vicious RKO, Sheamus booted Ted DiBiase’s head in and Orton then displayed his deadly finishing manoeuvre again, this time on the current WWE champion.
Most intriguingly of all, however, was the continuing strife within Legacy. It is odds on that there will be a match between Orton and his cronies at Wrestlemania 26, but the make-up of that bout and the role that each man will play are still unclear, which should ensure an exciting and unpredictable build-up
DiBiase quickly recovered from Sheamus’ effervescent pump kick to defeat Kofi Kingston and gain some momentum heading into Sunday, before the two heavyweights of Raw’s Elimination Chamber squared off, John Cena and HHH.
Cena – who, via the TitanTron, traded barbs with new enemy Batista prior to the battle – and The Game have skirmished many times before but they rarely disappoint and they did not do so on this occasion.
Just like the first contest of the night, though, there was to be no clean winner, as Sheamus entered the fray to destroy his weekend foes. The Cerebral Assassin was shattered by the ginger-haired philistine’s pump kick, the same fate befell The Chain Gang Soldier shortly after and then The Celtic Warrior ended his trail of destruction by returning to HHH and dishing out his harmful crucifix bomb. The result – Sunday’s six-man ruckus looks even more tantalising and Sheamus continues to impress as Raw’s premier strap holder.
The night – which also saw the newly-anointed tag team champions of Big Show and The Miz lose a non-title match to MVP and Mark Henry – did not finish well for Bret Hart, however.
Dressed in a manky green, Winter Olympic-logoed T-Shirt, The Hitman waved his goodbyes to the WWE Universe after seeing his hopes of a Wrestlemania showdown with Vince McMahon rebuked by the chairman last week.
The Canadian made his way out of the building, regularly stopped by an array of superstars eager to wish him a fond farewell, but before he could be zoomed away in his limousine, the Excellence of Execution’s leg was crushed by another driver and he was taken to “hospital,” or less than half a mile down the road before jumping out and getting in an SUV according to some bloke or blokess on YouTube. Does anyone think McMahon is not behind this stunt?
Next week’s Raw should be equally as splendiferous. We will have a clearer picture of the Wrestlemania card, Cena and Batista are almost certain to come to blows and the Bret-Vince story should take further shape. Just please, no more shoddy slapstick.
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