Greetings one and all for the second edition of The Iron Jung. Thank you for all your kind words since my initial column. They were all special from “That was the most staggeringly breathtaking piece of literature I’ve ever read since War & Peace” from Chris in Cleethorpes to “Lovely Stuff” from Jill in Coventry. They really brightened up my spam folder.
Now Iron Jung you may ask, in your pursuit of perfection what has got you the angriest? Well guys and gals, through my many years scouring the globe looking for the talent that could make you weep with joy, I’ve seen many wrestlers be passed the torch and set themselves on fire or sometimes more appropriately try light a spliff from it. Jake Roberts…Goldberg …Davey Boy Smith… …Barry Horowitz and so on. But one guy takes the proverbial biscuit. A guy, who isn’t a great wrestler, can’t talk for toffee and is as reliable as an early 90’s Minardi F1 car. Yes it’s the rainbow haired warrior himself, Jeffrey Nero Hardy.
Ever since Matt and Jeff launched themselves into the mainstream with their blinding ladder match at No Mercy in October 1999, people have said, “Jeff Hardy will be a star”. He was part of a foursome with his brother and the Toronto Twins, Edge & Christian, which the WWE expected big things from. Edge is now a fully-fledged WWE headliner, Matt after injuries and Lita ballsing up more than just a moonsault, finally looks like he may climb that ladder with MVP in-toe. Christian, despite leaving the Fed, even got to feud with Johnny C before departing to join Kurt Angle’s Asylum. Yet Jeff’s never quite achieved what was expected. But he only has himself to blame.
Right now he’s probably sitting at home (or in a caravan, hotel, wherever you go when your house is made of fire) probably oblivious to the fact that he’s really messed up this time. And I say oblivious because this obviously isn’t the first time young Jeffrey has been in trouble. Rumoured drug issues, for which Jeff couldn’t or didn’t want to confront, triggered his initial departure to TNA and even now it seems apparent that he still maintains there is no problem.
Well Jeff’s clearly got his eyes shut because when he comes back he’ll be clawing at a spot he virtually had back in 2001. You see the young whippersnapper shocked the world beating Triple H for the Intercontinental Title, cementing his status as a future star. 7 years later he’s still earmarked as a “future star”. Yet instead of his probable victory at WrestleMania in the Money In The Bank Ladder Match and progression into fully-fledged main eventer, he’s in the doghouse (hopefully not a yellow and flamey one though, complaints on a postcard).
Now here’s a guy who’s not blessed with the wrestling talent of an Eddie Guerrero or a Bret Hart. A guy who when interviewed sounds like the cousin, that not even Huckleberry Finn would acknowledge. He’s a spot monkey who got over by falling on things from a great height. Now I’m sorry but I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Yes he did get over. When his old music hit, the crowd, both ladies and gents, would go wild. They knew they’d see risk taking, craziness and most of all entertainment. And all this, from a guy with the charisma of a plastic duck and wrestling skills as solid as jelly. Talk about being lucky. There’s been guys like The Rabid Unmentionable, Eddie Guerrero, Steve Austin and Rey Mysterio who busted their balls every night for years having fantastic match after fantastic match and getting absolutely nowhere for it. They earned their way to the top through hard work and perseverance. Guys like Mick Foley didn’t have great bodies yet took every chance they were given with both hands in order to make it to the top.
And here we have Jeff, who much like his in-ring ability, flops about around midcard letting opportunities go as if they were Lita being passed around the locker room. Its not a pursuit of perfection for him, it’s a pursuit of being adequate.
Soon he shall return to our screens in what will essentially be a repeat of what we’ve seen before. Jeff gets over, starts to gain momentum, screws it up. And repeat.
But as I explained Jeff doesn’t have The Rock’s mike skills, he doesn’t have the wrestling ability of a Jerry Lynn. He bumps well. And how long is that going to last? I bet already he calls it a good night when he can walk out the arena without crutches or a stick. He’s probably broken more tables than Mark Henry when the buffet is finished. He’s got a limited shelf life and so far what does he have to show for it?
Nothing. The Ultimate Warrior is a prime example of using what you have. Sure his promos were more confusing than an episode of Impact! And his in-ring work was so shoddy that if you edited out the bits that looked crap you’d be left with his entrance and the pinfall. But he took his chance. Sure he pissed all over it once he got it, but at least he took it. When all is said and done, a guy as mediocre as the Warrior can still say I was a World Champion, I headlined PPV’s and people came solely to see me. Jeff Hardy should be saying that. But he’s a waster. He probably won’t get any further than he already has and that’s beyond a joke.
And there lies the inevitable chapter of Jeff Hardy in the story of “Wrestling’s Biggest Under-Achievers”. Instead of the record books saying “Jeff Hardy, former World Champion, major star of the 2000’s” it will say “Jeff Hardy, overrated spot merchant who blew every chance he had of making it”.
Frankly, he’s an embarrassment to every hard working wrestler who wished they got the opportunities Jeff bypassed. It’s not even a shame, it’s disgrace.
Iron Jung