Well, hello. Welcome to The Live Wire, your favourite cure for insomnia! This is the only column that mixes Corona beer with Mint Viscount biscuits and laughs in the face of indigestion.
Thanks for all the response to last week’s column, it really is appreciated – but before I get tore into the Smackdown Report card, I’d like to point out something entirely more serious.
Viewers in the UK are about to be short changed by BSkyB – for whatever reasons (and it’s undoubtedly money) Armageddon will NOT be broadcast on Sky Box Office – that’s right, we don’t even get the chance to pay £15 to watch it. While missing Armageddon is bad enough, it seems that January’s Royal Rumble is in doubt too!
UK peeps! This is a call to arms – email Sky at viewerr@bsksyb.com and let them know you want to see these shows – sign the petitions doing the rounds at:
PetitionOnline.com/skywwe/petition.html and
PetitionOnline.com/Y2JSKY/petition.html
Let Sky know that THEIR customers want to see WWE shows… this is our chance to make a difference. It may be too late for Armageddon, but we CAN save the Rumble…
Anyway, ranting and campaigning aside, let’s get into the :
Smackdown Report Card!
A-TRAIN : Gets push after push because he’s big and has a unique gimmick. He is actually a better talker than he gets credit for, but just can’t seem to make the break through to legitimate star. Had his best match vs. Benoit, despite nearly killing him in the process.
Grade : C
AKIO : Just started on SmackDown, impossible to grade. Does have a good reputation though…
Grade : N/A
BIG SHOW : Possibly his best year since he signed for the WWE. Although he’s still not the greatest, he has put a hell of a lot more effort into his work this year. He and Lesnar put on a hell of a series of matches, given what we were expecting of them.
Grade : B+
BILL DEMOTT : Injury has taken it’s toll on the big man, and although he never could decided on a name, he did have a spark in the ring at times. Shame he was never allowed to let it develop properly…
Grade : D
BILLY GUNN : Mr. Injury himself… Only Vince knows why this waste of space still has a job. Poor in the ring, poorer on the mic… I think his only redeeming feature may be that he was tall, blonde and muscle-bound – Vince’s ideal model for a wrestler.
Grade : D
BILLY KIDMAN : Bland. As bland as a house decorated with grey wallpaper, grey paint and grey carpets. Starting to look a bit dangerous with the Shooting Star Press, maybe time to put it to rest again… Had his moments, but nothing spectacular.
Grade : C-
BRADSHAW : Where do we begin? Has precisely two moves of note – The Last Call fallaway slam and the Clothesline from Hell. Better suited to backstage skits, as he and Faarooq are genuinely likeable when they’re carrying on backstage. Sadly, they stink the place out in the ring.
Grade : C-
BROCK LESNAR : An impressive first year for The Next Big Thing. While he still seems to struggle when cutting promos, his new manic character is gathering momentum and he’s starting to pull off the arrogance required. In the ring, he’s done as well as can be expected. F5ing the Big Show still remains one of the images of the year for me. Still, while he’s done well, there is room to improve, and the booking was clearly tailored for him and his character.
Grade : B+
CHARLIE HAAS : Haas & Benjamin have been the premier tag team in the entire WWE for me this year. Since they debuted, they’ve matured on TV, turned in top notch performances, one after the other, and the frightening thing is, they continue to get better. Of the two, Charlie is probably the weaker by a minute amount, but he’s still a cut above a vast majority of the roster.
Grade : B
CHAVO GUERRERO : Chavo always seems to exist in that grey area of popularity – he’s popular enough, but never enough to be REALLY over… say, on an Uncle Eddie level. He’s solid in the ring, and solid enough on the mic, but he doesn’t really do anything to make himself stand out from the crowd any. Injury put him on the shelf when he could have been on the verge of that breakthrough.
Grade : B-
CHRIS BENOIT : For me, the greatest technical wrestler in the WWE, hands down. His battles with Angle have been just incredible to watch, and the man surely deserves a WWE Title reign… His match at the Rumble alone earns him an A – if he could use a mic without looking like a wolverine in the headlights of an 18 wheeler, he’d get an A+
Grade : A
CHUCK PALUMBO : Seems to lurch from one disaster to another. Was Mr. Anonymous in The Invasion; Was nearly Mr. Billy Gunn; and now is the muscle of The FBI, the most underused stable in the WWE. Seems to always give 100% and can string a nice couple of moves together, but just doesn’t get used to any great extent – surely Stamboli & Palumbo deserve a decent run in the tag division?
Grade : C
DANNY BASHAM : At least he has a gimmick, something to make him stand out from the midcard pack. Seems to be the weaker of the Basham ‘brothers’ anyway, but hasn’t done anything too horrendous.
Grade : C
DAWN MARIE : Seems to have absolutely no reason for being employed other than her willingness to strip. She is one of the better divas on the mic, it seems a shame to waste those talents in favour of her more… enhanced talents. Would make an ideal manager for someone, much like Shaniqua does for the Bashams…
Grade : D
DOUG BASHAM : The better of the two Bashams, and has proven in a couple of short promos that he can talk. The WWE has been high on Doug for a while, and I see this tag team as nothing more than a nice introduction for Doug, who will eventually go on to become a singles star. Seems to be going through the motions right now without extending himself.
Grade : C
EDDIE GUERRERO : The stand out performer in wrestling this year for me. Eddie has always been one of the guys that could get a crowd eating out of the palm of his hand, this year, he’s stepped it up and is enjoying a golden streak in the past 3 months or so. A joy to watch this year.
Grade : A+
EDGE : Seemed to be on the verge of big things, but then went and damaged his neck – how dare he! We’ve been deprived of the shiniest teeth in wrestling for the majority of the year, so no grade applies. Sorry, Edgeheads.
Grade : N/A
FAAROOQ : Limited in his ring time by injuries, but still has one of the sweetest spinebusters around. His character is just ideal for backstage skits – and that’s probably where he belongs now. DAMN!
Grade : D
FUNAKI : Smackdown… numma one announca! Vastly underused in the ring, surely he could have been set up as a tag team with someone? Another WWE example of a good talent badly used.
Grade : D
HARDCORE HOLLY : Been off TV most of the year. Thankfully.
Grade : N/A
HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN / MR. AMERICA : Please, don’t make me start. Yes, without doubt, one of the biggest stars in wrestling history… doesn’t mean that the entire show should be built around him. Despite being responsible for one of the most enjoyable segments of the year (The Lie Detector test with Vince McMahon) I found Hogan to be hanging around like a bad smell by the time he threw a hissy fit and walked out. Good riddance, says I.
Grade : D
JAMIE NOBLE : The Redneck Messiah himself, Noble has been a little lower profile since the arrival of Rey Mysterio, and has spent the best part of the year working away, without ever reaching the heights he once did. It’s such a great character, that you can’t help but be drawn to it. Higher profile over the past few weeks with the Tajiri feud, and Noble stepped up to the plate.
Grade : C+
JOHN CENA : A breakout year for PN News 2k3… He’s finally backed up the mic work in the ring, albeit with the help of Angle and Benoit, but it’s still good to see him cutting loose between the ropes… I boldly predict he WILL be WWE Champion in 2004 at some point. Back to this year, and he’s been built up as a huge star, and lived up to the billing with little effort. Big year.
Grade : A
JOHNNY STAMBOLI : Ambled around pretty aimlessly looking very angry for no apparent reason. Pretty much like his WCW stint. There is talent in there, as he showed in WCW, but it’s stifled under poor booking and general apathy.
Grade : C
KANYON : Who betta than Kanyon? Well, pretty much everyone at the moment. Except Mortis. He still sucks. Kanyon has worked from injury to injury, put on great matches that nobody will ever see, and still continues to entertain me. But, because he’s done nothing of note this year, he gets…
Grade : F
KURT ANGLE : The Man. Angle is on the road to Flair-like greatness, and this year hasn’t been any different. Despite three months or so off for surgeries over the year, he’s still getting a top grade. He’s like Benoit, but with mic skills to back it all up. Angle may well be the greatest total package since… well, Ric Flair.
Grade : A
MATT MORGAN : Not been on TV long enough to grade, but looks to be sound, if a little green.
Grade : N/A
MICHAEL COLE : Commentary has improved so much over the last year, it’s hard to believe it’s the same guy. While still prone to wild overselling of angles, or calling things wrong, he is the best PBP man in the WWE right now. When your main competition is The Coach, Jim Ross, and Josh Matthews, well, that doesn’t mean much. He and Tazz work great as a team, and this grade is for both of them AS a team.
Grade : A
MR. MCMAHON : While he does tend to go overboard and hog too much TV time, he is probably the most over heel on Smackdown. His matches are perfectly booked, right down to the second, and he’s not afraid to bleed for the show, or even to lose when required. It’s amazing, but I can’t see past giving him a :
Grade : B
NATHAN JONES : Has he been gone too long? We may never know. Apparently quit the WWE over the weekend. I’d like to say he’ll be missed, and was a great prospect… but I can’t. He did have a weird sort of charisma, it’s true, but he absolutely sucked in the ring. If there was any way they could have got his wrestling to normal level, he could have been a huge star… but it was a bridge too far.
Grade : F
NIDIA : Always entertaining, and not afraid to show herself up on TV. Into her character so much, that it hurts to watch sometimes. Can’t really work a decent match, even in mixed tags, which kinda makes you wonder why she won Tough Enough 1… thankfully, her character doesn’t require her to wrestle much, and she can concentrate on hanging about at ringside and being Nidia. Plus those denim shorts… gotta love those!
Grade : C
NUNZIO : Totally wasted. Probably one of the best talents in the cruiserweight division, relegated to comedy small guy bossing around two big lumps in the FBI. If they really let him go to work in the ring, it would be amazing, but we all know it ain’t gonna happen. Sad to say, but Nunzio is not where he should be.
Grade : D
ORLANDO JORDAN : Everyone has to start somewhere – and Jordan is doing just that. Looks solid enough in the ring, but I don’t recall him having an angle, or even a proper chance to speak yet. Hopefully, he’ll get a chance in 2004 to show what he’s capable of. For now :
Grade : C-
PAUL HEYMAN : If there’s anyone better on the mic than Paul Heyman, then dagnabbit, I wanna see him. Heyman has the knack of knowing exactly how to pitch his promos to get the emotion of the angle across perfectly. Everything Heyman does is done with the soul intent of getting the angle or the talent over, rather than himself. Smackdown was a poorer show in his absence.
Grade : B+
PAUL LONDON : Not really had a lot of TV time to shine, and if you don’t watch Velocity, you’d probably wonder who he was. If you DO watch Velocity, you’ll realise he’s one half of possibly the most exciting tag team in the US right now. Still, he’s being graded on what he’s done in the year on Smackdown, and I don’t really think you can grade him, as he’s hardly had any air time.
Grade : N/A
REY MYSTERIO : Has Rey ever been booked as well as this? Even in WCW, when he was arguably at the height of his in-ring prowess, I don’t think he was as over as he is in the WWE. Having said that, after a great opening burst to the year, he’s pretty much been tootling along on auto-pilot for the rest of it. Still, Rey on Auto-pilot is still a sight to behold.
Grade : B
RHYNO : What a terrible, terrible waste. Returned from neck injury, only to be the latest in the Vince McMahon doghouse and jobbed out to Scotty 2 Hotty on Velocity… ugh! Through no fault of his own,
Grade : F
RIKISHI : The joke, unlike Rikishi, has now worn thin. Yes, you’re a fat man in a thong, and you stick your ass in people’s faces… whoopdie doo! Rikishi will always pop the crowd, for whatever reason, but it’s my report card, my marks so, Rikishi – you get
Grade : F
ROWDY RODDY PIPER : Was interesting to see him back doing Piper’s Pit… but sadly, he had to ruin it and a) start wrestling again and b) drag Sean O’Haire into his tail spin of doom also. Knows how to work a mic, how to work an angle, but sadly is well beyond the point of being useful, due to his tendency to go a bit mental, and/or shoot himself in the foot.
Grade : F
SABLE : Well, it was a huge surprise to see Sable back in the WWE, and while I don’t really see the point of her, she HAS done a good job with her character. She can carry a promo better than most of the women (not a huge compliment, I know) and she tried to drag a decent match out of Stephanie… Not bad, I guess.
Grade : C+
SAKODA: Just started, not enough time to grade him. Looks solid enough, without being spectacular.
Grade : N/A
SCOTTY 2 HOTTY : Has only been back a few weeks, so not really enough time to judge him fairly. Looks to be the same old Scotty. Whoopdie Doo.
Grade : N/A
SEAN O’HAIRE : Well, he had the look, he had the skills, and more importantly, he had the gimmick. And then Roddy Piper came along, and it all went a bit Pete Tong. Hopefully, something will be done with Sean O’Haire in 2004, as he’s too good to be hung out to dry on Velocity, but for his 2003, he sadly gets :
Grade : D
SHANIQUA : Well, she’s made people forget about Tough Enough, that’s for sure. She obviously loves the character, and has a unique look… she did provide one of the funniest moments of the year when she attributed the ‘swelling’ in her chest to a Bradshaw clothesline, and the character of Shaniqua seems to be essential to the WWE plans for The Bashams’.
Grade : C+
SHANNON MOORE : Seems to be suffering from Matt’s departure to Raw already. Shannon’s role as an MF’er was ideal for him, and his effort at the Rumble (even though he wasn’t even IN the match) were fantastic. I hope for his sake he gets more to do than be treated like a pinball for the giants on Smackdown. His work over the year earns him a :
Grade : C+
SHELTON BENJAMIN : One half of The World’s Greatest Tag Team, and for me, the standout member. I think Benjamin will have a bright future ahead of him as a singles star when the partnership with Haas runs it’s course. Looks solid in the ring, and at ease with the mic when he’s called upon.
Grade : B+
SPANKY : For anyone that’s seen Spanky in Ring Of Honor, you’ll be stunned at how badly the WWE are blowing this kid’s talent. He really could be the second coming of Shawn Michaels if he was given a looser leash to play on – as it is, he does his job well – his selling against Brock Lesnar was instrumental in people buying Lesnar as a killer. His tag team with London looks like it could be something special.
Grade : C
STEPHANIE MCMAHON : Notice how good Smackdown has been without her screeching about at random? Or without the bloody awful angles featuring John Cena lusting over her? Yeah, me too. Owner of THE worst voice in the WWE, I’m sure it isn’t just a family thing that keeps her in such high profile positions. Oh wait, of course it is…
Grade : D
TAJIRI : A strange year for Tajiri. He’s always been on the edge of things, with an occasional forage into the spotlight; his current angle with Noble & Nidia being a fine example of that. As sound as ever in the ring, and for someone who allegedly has problems with English, his promo work is great – purely for the facial expressions alone. Because he has the tendency to fade from the scene, he shall have :
Grade : B-
TAZZ : Jointly marked with Michael Cole as a team, but Tazz has developed into a good announcer with a genuinely wicked sense of humour to back up his insightful comments on the match. Compared to Raw’s colour man (Lawler) it’s a great change to have a guy actually tell you what a move is, what it does and why a wrestler is using it. Cole and Tazz really put over the match (and talents) in the ring, and that earns :
Grade : A
TORRIE WILSON : Oh, look – it’s another stereotypical blonde WWE bimbo type – and a naked one at that. While Playboy readers may have went overboard for her, I didn’t. Her sole talent is being able to pose and pout, and to be honest, there’s other channels on the TV better at that sort of thing. Her acting skills are as bad as her wrestling skills, and if it wasn’t for the “Playboy” looks, she probably wouldn’t be in a job right now.
Grade : D
ULTIMO DRAGON : Well, this grade is being awarded to the WWE booking staff, not to Dragon himself. Any sane wrestling fan knows what he can do… but it seems that there are no sane wrestling fans on the WWE creative team anymore.
Grade : F
UNDERTAKER : A resurgence for the Dead Man, his matches with Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar are amongst his best work for years – still cuts a very strong promo and puts his all into building the feud. May not sell well, or make his opponent look good (ask John Cena) and that drags his grade down in my eyes.
Grade : B-
ZACH GOWEN : Novelty act. Next.
Grade : D
So there we go – Raw and Smackdown rated and graded for the year. The next column you read of mine (hopefully, anyway) will be the predictions for Armageddon, even though it’s likely I won’t be able to watch it live. Life, it seems, sucks sometimes. Go sign the petitions! Go send your emails! We can win!
Until then, have fun, go mad.
Tony Cottam