The blasting of ECW is about as easy a quail hunting Dick Cheney style. It
truly is a cluster bomb. So I try to watch it and pretend that someone has a
gun to my head and is threatening me so that if I change the channel, a bullet
will go through my skull. Like watching a snuff film, my stomach starts to turn,
and I feel dirty. So I turn the channel and accept my fate.
A Kevorkian mercy kill, the Sci-Fi channel enjoys the ratings, but I beg for
the sake of all things holy, please kill Damien (a.k.a. ECW). Yet I then remember,
the great Satan himself (a.k.a. Vince McMahon) lords over this blasphemous creation.
It reminds me of the alien love child in the TV series “V.”
The Pay-Per-View “December to Dismember” came out this Sunday after
a less than great “Survivor Series.” ECW had only two matches booked
as of the previous Wednesday. Who the hell works this way? It looks like the
state of Louisiana’s politicians have a new job as writers for WWE. That
is incompetent and disrespectful to fans. Yet this brand name has slowly been
spitting up chinks of Vince’s crap on ECW’s fan base since its rebirth.
I’m hoping that everyone will boycott this ECW garbage. We then can slowly
sink this abomination. ECW is the sick, retarded stepchild of Vince McMahon.
WWE cross-brands constantly, as every meaningful player inside the ring has
been jobbed to death at one point or another, except for C. M. Punk.
Giant – One match with Flair was the only thing I remember about him in this
show. He has two losses against Shane McMahon.
RVD – Jobbed to everyone in WWE, then built himself back up to wrestle WWE
style then only to job to Mari-J.
Test – Jobbed to Triple H, who was a better lover to Stephanie, then jobbed
to everyone in the WWE. My favorite memory of Test was when Trish Stratus came
out with Test and Prince Albert.
Holly – A Vince loyalist, so he will always be somewhere on some show adding
mid-card to low-card status.
Lashley – Jobbed to ECW from Smackdown.
These ECW stars have been jobbed into oblivion: Sabu, Balls Mahoney, Dreamer,
Tony Mamaluke, Little Guido, Sandman, and Doring.
Kevin Thorne, Moore, Dupree, The Great Khali, Terkey Striker, Knox, C. W. Anderson,
Burke – these people are your extremist roster. Someone please look at these
names and tell me why I should care. A few of these guys are talented, but the
rest are rejects. They jobbed to the point that I don’t even see half
of them on TV.
So, Santa, for Christmas forget the Wii or Playstation III, and get that lump
of coal called ECW out of my stocking and flush it down the same toilet you
put the XFL that sweet Christmas five years ago.
If I have to put up with this show too much longer, I may have to do something
“Extreme!” I think I will steal the idea from “Halloween 3”
and create a mask to sell to ECW fans. When the Big Show’s music plays,
their heads will turn into snakes and other ridiculous creatures.
Note: For “December to Dismember” I waited until after
the pay-per-view to submit my article. I shouldn’t have! The best match
of the night was four people that don’t belong to ECW, as The Hardy Boys
went over MNM. This was followed with irrelevant wrestlers and garbage. Lashley
won the “Extreme Elimination Chamber” and new champion. The fans
were the only thing that made this PPV, because they booed the elimination of
Punk and RVD and started chanting “TNA” and “Bullsh*t!”
So believe me if you want, but know it to be the truth. This WWE brand of wrestling
needs to be Ol’ Yeller’d!
Darlin’ Danny Dunn