Well, hello. Yes, it’s a semi-comeback. Not a total one because it’s not The Live Wire, see. BWAH hahaha! RUSSO SWERVE! Anyway. apparently, I still have a few peeps that wanted to see this. so here it is. My take on the weekend’s festivities.
World Heavyweight Championship:
Triple H (Champion) vs. Batista
Triple H faces perhaps his greatest challenge to date of his illustrious career. finding a handkerchief big enough for THAT nose in LA. DAVE~~! is on a roll right now, and the sarcastic comments and smug grins to camera have become some of the highlights of Raw for me. That’s just the way I am, folks. now, for the actual match? I pray Trips is in a beneficial mood and is willing to cover over DAVE~~! and his general lack of wrestling skill. I see this match being the last of the night. which means they want to send the LA punters home happy, save there’s another riot or something.
Winner: BATISTA
Money in the Bank Ladder Match:
Chris Jericho vs. Chris Benoit vs. Christian vs. Edge vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Kane
SHOW STEALER! SHOW STEALER! Well, apart from Kane. In the immortal words of Sesame Street: “One of these kids is doing his own thing.” So, we’re left with Kane as the ‘target’ for all the crazy doo-dahs that the other five will undoubtedly pull off in an attempt to steal the show. Pity the match means basically nothing, and that this match means the IC title won’t be defended at the biggest show of the year. Still, at least it gets onto the show, unlike the Raw Tag Titles. Winner of this will no doubt take their title shot right after Trips gets his rematch, so I’m gonna say.
Winner: CHRIS BENOIT
Women’s Championship:
Trish Stratus (Champion) vs. Christy Hemme
Meh. Time for NACHOS baby YEAH! I’ve moved up from sandwiches, y’know. For me, Hemme gets the nod ‘cos she got her kit off for Playboy. In WWE-Land, showing your ya-ya’s equals big push.
Winner: CHRISTY HEMME
World Wrestling Entertainment Championship:
John “Bradshaw” Layfield (Champion) vs. John Cena
If the Cabinet get involved, JBL takes the win, and Cena gets the belt at the next SmackethDown only PPV, IMO. Bradshaw is Vince’s Pet Project, so I reckon he’ll get the duke at ‘Mania. and an extra month on his title reign. Cena needs to put in a strong performance here, for his own sake, let alone the sake of the title. Bradshaw’s living on his gimmick, and I’m not sure he has the in-ring savvy to back it up on his own, which he may have to here. I’ll go with my ‘rematch’ theory.
Winner: JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD
Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio
Should be good – any money this blows away BOTH the title matches on the night? Eddie & Rey should set LA on fire (and without donning police uniforms and beating up a civilian on camera) as long as they are given the time to do so. Given that Wrestlemania is usually 4 hours, they should do. Eddie probably deserves the win, but I see a Rey win and Eddie heel turn! Wooyay! EVIL EDDIE!
Winner: REY MYSTERIO
Raw vs. Smackdown Match:
Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle
Ladies, gentlemen, small furry animals. HERE is the match of the night, possibly match of the year. HBK will want to show the world he’s still The Man. and Angle wants to show the world he’s still the Kurt Angle that has five star matches at will. Let them go, and here’s an instant classic. As for a winner, I never usually bet against HBK on PPV. but I’m going for Angle here, just because it feels right,
Winner: KURT ANGLE
Raw vs. Smackdown Match:
Randy Orton vs. The Undertaker
Orton is in desperate need of an attitude adjustment. He really needs taking down a peg or two, plus he needs shoulder surgery. Add those together, and I don’t think Taker is gonna lie down at HIS show for Orton this year. As a match, it should be OK – I remember the two having a fairly decent match on Smackdown a while back. Hopefully, Taker doesn’t turn it into a one-sided squash. as usual.
Winner: THE UNDERTAKER
Sumo Match:
The Big Show vs. Akebono
Meh. Time to reheat some more nachos. Who CARES? This gets on PPV, and the Cruiserweights get a 5-10 minute 6 man match on SMACKDOWN? Paul London: deserves WrestleMania. Akebono? He’s only here for the buffet. Pah.
Winner: THE BIG SHOW
Piper’s Pit with “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
I’m actually looking forward to this. Austin and Piper with a live mic. gotta be fun. Someone toss in a few beers and we’ll have a beer bath. Just keep the blonde ex-porn stars out of the building.
Hall Of Fame Inductees
Oh look, it’s a Hogan love-fest. Whoopie! Any bets Hassan gets involved somehow and gets an ass-whoopin’? Good for nostalgia and it will no doubt cause me to mark-out for all of, oh, 5 minutes.
All in all, looks like a pretty weak card as a whole – no IC Title, no Tag titles for either brand. but the good does look exceedingly good. Hopefully, the big payoff of the title matches will keep the crowd happy. We’ll see. Bring on the nachos and the Tunnock’s Teacakes! Woooo!
Have fun, go mad.
Tony-at-wrestleholic-dot-com